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Real, Brave & Unstoppable
Real, Brave & Unstoppable
Ep 136 - How to Create More Meaningful Connection This Holiday Season
In today’s episode, we’re diving into something so many of us crave but don’t always know how to create: authentic connection.
I’m sharing an honest look at my November freedom and aliveness experiment — what I intended, what actually happened, and what I’m learning about the real work it takes to build meaningful relationships as an adult.
We’ll explore:
✨ Why connection is a core part of our wellbeing
✨ How values-aligned relationships support your body, mind, and spirit
✨ What my November intentions were (meetups, reconnecting with old friends, dating with intention…)
✨ What got in the way, and why that matters
✨ What cultivating connection actually requires from us
✨ The “Life Council” concept and how it can help you build a supportive circle
✨ Simple ways to bring more authentic connection into your life this season
If you’ve been feeling a little disconnected, lonely, or stuck in surface-level relationships, this episode will give you insight, compassion, and some ideas you can put into practice right away.
Mentioned in This Episode
- The Life Council (book concept referenced)
- My November connection experiment
- Ideas for creating more authentic relationships
- Navigating connection during the busy holiday season
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For more information about the podcast, visit www.realbraveunstoppable.com. To learn more about your host, Kortney Rivard, visit www.kortneyrivard.com
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Hello, my friends, and welcome back to Real, brave and Unstoppable for episode number 136. Today's episode is about connection and relationships, why it matters, and some of my learnings from my November connection experiment. The November focus for my Freedom and Aliveness projectis connection, So this episode was inspired by my takeaways so far. I recognize that November is not finished yet, but I thought I would share anyway, I, So in addition to takeaways so far, I'll also cover some thoughts on cultivating true authentic connections in our lives. So, as you know, this week is Thanksgiving, which is unbelievable to me. It's funny, when I was in sixth grade, my teacher, Mrs. Noyd, said to our class, oh, time goes faster and faster the older you get or something like that. And we were at the time, I mean a bunch of sixth graders, we were just like, oh, okay, whatever. But now that I am older, I totally get it. Time does go so fast. And at this time of the year, I'm really reminded how important it is to slow down, get really present, and savor some of those moments. It is really hard this time of year too, isn't it? As a side note, mindfulness and being present is actually going to be my topic for December, so a lot more to come on that. Anyway, getting back on track... this time of the year is, I think, very connection-focused. It's a time for gathering and forgiving for spending time with the people we care about. And on the flip side, people who have lost loved ones or have streamed relationships with loved ones or family, friends, et cetera, might really struggle at this time of the year because they've lost a connection to someone. Or that connection is just different than it once was. There's a lot of focus on this at this time of the year, and it can be a really difficult time filled with some loneliness for some people, and it's a hard time of the year to experience loneliness. So let's first of all talk about why connection matters. It's human nature to seek out relationships. We're wired for connection, and it's actually a fundamental need for both our mental and physical health. The negative effects of loneliness and isolation has been really well documented. Studies have shown that social isolation and loneliness significantly increased the risk of serious health problems like heart disease, Stroke, anxiety, depression, dementia, with the risk of premature death, also increasing. So from a biological standpoint, our nervous systems co-regulate with other people also. We're calmer, more grounded and more resilient when we feel connected. It's not an optional thing, like I mentioned before, it's a need just like movement or rest or nourishing food. Connection, or the lack thereof, impacts all three pillars of wellness that I talk about all the time. In our body, connection helps lower stress hormones, regulate heart rate support our immune system. Connection, uh, keeps our mind healthy by improving mood, reduces anxiety, and helps us process our emotions. And on a spiritual level, connection plays a huge role in giving us purpose and belonging and that feeling of being seen and understood. So connection really activates all three of these pillars and helps them work together. Okay, so one thing that I think is important to touch on with connection is actually like the quality of connections versus quantity. Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt almost lonelier when you were in it with the person or people than when you weren't in a relationship? I've totally been there. That's a tough one to experience. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. So meaningful connection, values- aligned connection is really important. As you can probably imagine then, real connection isn't about having tons of friends necessarily. It's about having the right people. We'll talk a little bit more about that as we get into the episode. You know, surface level interactions, they feel fine, but they don't really feed you necessarily on an emotional level, that spirit pillar of wellness. You need at least a few people who you can truly be yourself with. A place where you really do feel seen and understood. A place where you have this sense of belonging. Super important. And belonging isn't about fitting in, it's about being accepted as who you are. So that group of people who really can accept you for the person you are. All of it. And I think today, so many of us do try to really fit into certain places. I know I went through that for a long time in my life and there was a certain point in time where I realized that not everyone's gonna like me, and that's okay. I'm not for everyone. Just like everyone isn't necessarily for me. I talk to a lot of people who have that fear of someone not liking them or criticizing them or not agreeing with them, and it's sort of a hard one to get over. But once this clicks for you that,"okay, it's not about me," it's just it's not a good fit. Or, you know, they, we just don't click. We're all different. So once that clicks, it's so much easier to really embrace that idea that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, it matters what I think of me and my close people think of me. But getting back to belonging, when we feel like we belong, our whole system just kind of relaxes'cause we're not performing, we're not proving, we're not worrying about people liking us.'cause we just, we feel at home with these people. Connection is also one of the biggest predictors of long-term wellbeing. Not just happiness, but actual health and energy longevity. People with strong social ties cope better with stress, they bounce back faster and feel more fulfilled. And I don't think this necessarily means like all these extroverts who are just out there meeting tons of people, like I said earlier, we have to have values aligned relationships and connection and you know, it's sort of like if we have a few people that we can really be ourselves with, that counts. Connection also really encourages our own personal growth. The right relationships challenge us. They, you know, cheer us on and help us grow. We become better versions of ourselves in the presence of healthy people who reflect our strengths back to us. And also really important is that connection makes life lighter. Shared laughter, shared experiences... going out for a glass of wine, or a hike, or a yoga class, or a cup of coffee. These moments make life more fun. Yesterday I met some friends out at a brewery and there was an oyster and stout little festival and we had a ton of fun. Laughed a lot, and then we went out to another brewery and had a beer there, and yeah, I mean, we just laughed all night. It was really fun. So we need to have those connections. I know when I end up spending a whole weekend at home by myself, I start to feel that sense of loneliness and isolation. And I'm okay with being by myself, but I feel that need for connection sometimes. And if you think about this from a biological standpoint, the need for connection back in, you know, the cave person days, having connection was really essential for survival. Being out on your own, away from your people was dangerous. We don't really have those same dangers on a day-to-day basis today, but when we're isolated or disconnected, our nervous system just it senses a threat. Oh no. So, it goes into the survival state looking out for danger, and it's determined to protect us. We're on high alert and that's when loneliness, overthinking in that kinda, eh feeling can start to creep in. So my November connection experiment, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about how that's going and my takeaways from that. But it's been pretty eye-opening. The biggest thing I've noticed this month in my attempt to focus on connection is that sometimes we think connection should just happen, but it really doesn't. That isn't the case at all. Most people don't talk a lot about this, but connection takes effort, it takes energy, and really you have to be really intentional about it. Most of us, I don't think are. So that's part of why my November experiment has been so eye-opening. So just to sort of remind you,'cause it's been a couple weeks since I've, uh, released an episode, but my November intentions around connection were to go to meetups and put myself in new environments to try to meet friends and possibly dating options based on the things I'm interested in; to reach out to old friends or existing friends more consistently and actually, reach out to people I haven't talked to in a while. To be intentionally really kind and thoughtful in my current relationships, and then also to put more energy into dating intentionally, being out in the world and not just on those fun apps. And I say fun, very facetiously. So now I'll talk about what actually happened. Well, life got busy. I'm not sure that it was really busier from a things to do standpoint, but I think it was mentally really busy for me. Lots of thinking happening in Kortney's brain. From my October energy focus, what I learned there is I know that this drains me a lot when I have a lot of mental clutter. I think I've had a harder time being present, and I've also noticed my energy levels have been lower. It also might be related to the shorter days since daylight savings time also, I'm not sure. But as far as how this went, I've done okay with connecting with existing friends, but I really haven't reached out to people who I haven't been in touch with for a while. I didn't really dig into doing little nice, unexpected things like send a nice note or take a friend out for a coffee or a glass of wine so much. Although I did express to a friend who was furloughed during the shutdown that I'd been thinking about her hoping that it wouldn't take too long before she was able to return to work, and I think she appreciated that. I also had grand plans of finding meetups to go to on the weekends when my daughter is with her dad. I was hoping to go to at least one meetup a weekend. Possibly two, which was pretty ambitious. I also planned to reach out to people I hadn't talked to in a long time. I thought I'd do fun, little unexpected, nice things for my friends, and I also made a point to go on some dates. Not much of this actually happened. I mean, that's okay. The point of this is just to reflect and learn from it. So what I did learn through all of this is that connection doesn't just magically appear just because you want it. It requires energy, clarity, and vulnerability. We also need to be willing to initiate, not just wait for people, and then the follow- through is so important too. I was just talking to a client about this, he was really frustrated that people seemed to be really quick to say, oh yeah, sometime we should do X, Y, Z. But then there was never any follow through and he, he just felt like he was always the one initiating things and it frustrated him when people would say, oh, we should do this, and then never reached out to him. I've noticed this too, like I've frequently been on the receiving end of things like this, and I think what it really is is that it does take energy and intention and like kind of planning ahead to connect with people. It's really easy to let time pass and then let it kind of fall to the bottom of the list. But doing this is exactly what keeps us, you know, stuck, lonely or, or feeling disconnected. And that also brings up an important point, like sometimes relationships we have just aren't aligned. You know, we have to be able to have some boundaries and sometimes we even decide that we need to let go of a relationship that isn't really aligned, and that takes some courage. It can be hard. One thing that's really struck me during this month of focusing, or trying to focus as it may be, on connection is the amount of planning and effort that it can take to cultivate new friendships and relationships. Like it's really helpful to be intentional when choosing where to put our time when it comes to meeting people. We want to cultivate values-aligned relationships. The ones that really fill our cup. And what do values aligned relationships look like? Well, you might align on hobbies that you're interested in, like being outdoors or certain sports or travel. You might enjoy spending time with others who are just generally focused on a certain aspect of life, like health and wellness or personal growth. You know, having deep conversations about something existential, I personally love those conversations. Or it could also mean that you align on a political or a religious plane. I think today it's really difficult for people who are not politically aligned to really spend a lot of time together. Uh, not necessarily, but I've talked to people who really do struggle with that. So it really comes down to what's important to you and how those values mesh with those of others. One example could be, if reciprocity is important to you and you have a friendship or a, a connection where you're always reaching out or doing nice things and the other person isn't really putting in that effort. You might, it might not work for you. And for some people that might not bother them. So it just really depends, like I said, on what you really value in life. And one thing I think can be really helpful with this is to do a values exercise to really kinda look at your core values. And that's one of the things I work on with my clients a lot is being able to really spend the time to narrow that down. And it becomes a great foundation for further reflection and exploration of like, it really helps us make choices about things in our lives, including friendships and relationships. But it can be helpful to ask yourself questions about this to reflect on like: what kinds of relationships am I craving? Am I creating opportunities to meet those people? So I wanna share a book that I have read called"The Life Council, 10 Friends, every Woman Needs". A past client of mine shared this book with me and it's a pretty good book and it really challenges the notion that friendship comes naturally and organically. And it also presents the idea that different friends play different roles in our lives. One particular friend isn't gonna meet every aspect of what you want in a friendship. For example, we have friends that we go to in our most vulnerable moments, but they might not be the friend we wanna go to to have a girl's night out or, you know, ask for an objective opinion from. So we don't need a hundred friends. We just need the right friends. We also need to be a friend to someone else. We can't just expect other people to be our friends, like we have to do our part and be their friends as well, show up for them. We also need to be intentional and effortful in cultivating and maintaining- that's super important, maintaining those relationships. So November's connection focus is going to be an ongoing thing for me. One month wasn't enough for me to really get my feet wet, and I think it's something that I just need to make part of my life. A month goes really fast and with limited time to spend with friends and new people, it's, it's gonna be an ongoing process for me and that's okay. And I mentioned that December's focus is mindfulness, so perhaps I'll bring some mindfulness into my work of cultivating and nurturing connection. I really do think it's a requirement to be successful at this. So I would love for you to join me during this holiday season. Ask yourself, what if you made December your month for mindful connection too? We could have some great conversations about that. So to recap today's episode, we dug deep into the idea that connection isn't accidental. It takes a lot of intentional effort, and it's definitely not about perfection. I'm celebrating the fact that I'm choosing awareness and intention, and that I can learn from that to continue journeying towards what I really want. And as you enjoy this year's Thanksgiving, ask yourself how might you be able to bring more authentic connection to your interactions? So before I go, just a reminder that the wellness wake up, black Friday deal is live. So you can go grab that at the link in the show notes, and that deal will be available until midnight on December 1st, my daughter's 16th birthday. Thank you so much for joining me today, friends. Have a very happy Thanksgiving filled with connection and love, and I will see you next time.
