Ep 114 Dealing with Chaos Gracefully

Chaos. We all experience it in life and we complain about it, but what if it wasn't such a bad thing?

This week on the podcast, I'm talking about the role chaos plays in our lives --- for better or worse, but really highlighting the positives that it brings to our lives.


=== Resources ===

--- Talk to Me! ----
Do you struggle with overwhelm when things get chaotic? Maybe you struggle with consistency or taking care of yourself when things get busy. Or maybe you're even hard on yourself for not handling chaos with grace.

I can help! Let's chat about it. Click HERE to schedule a free no-obligation call.

---Create a Life You Love- FREE download!---
Click HERE to download a free e-book here to help you get started.

Transcript

0:51

Well, hello, my friends. And welcome back to Real Brave and Unstoppable. I'm your host, Kortney Rivard and today I'm going to talk about a fun topic that we've all experienced. Chaos. Chaos can be something that is unwelcome because along with it comes confusion, unpredictability, uncertainty. And in case you haven't noticed our brains do not like unpredictability and uncertainty and confusion. That is what our topic is today. So getting back to our brains, our brains, tell us all kinds of stories about confusion unpredictability uncertainty. And that creates a little fear. And when we're afraid, remember our feelings can dictate how we show up if we're not intentional about it. So today I want to offer you another perspective on when things get chaotic. And this can be hard because most of us have kind of a habitual response to chaos or confusion or uncertainty. Just a story I got, I just got back- I guess I've been back for a week, but it feels. It feels like it's been a hard week. But we were on vacation in Acadia national park last week with my family. That was fabulous. It was a different vacation in that it was super laid back and we ended up doing a lot of driving. And I celebrated my... drum roll... 50th birthday There. My partner, Ben and my daughter Sienna, they both decorated the cabin. We stayed in with all kinds of fun decorations. And in our in our search, I really like birthday cake, like cake. My mom, I got this from my mom, mom, you're laughing right now. I know. But I love like just cake with buttercream frosting. It's the best thing ever on a birthday with some ice cream. And normally if I was at home, I would have like, you know, the certain kind of cake that I like. It's just it's I'm basic white cake, vanilla frosting, vanilla ice cream. That's me. I love it. Right. Perfect. Unadulterated. Just perfect. So when we were on our way in, it was late, we'd been in the car for like, you know, 12 hours, 10 hours, whatever it was, 11 hours. At a grocery store where like it was busy, I didn't know where anything was. They had different things. And so, you know, there's a little chaos and confusion to my brain right there. So, of course that caused me to be a little cranky, had complete decision fatigue, because for some reason, nobody else in my family likes to make decisions. They tend to be mine to make alone. Apparently most of the time. And I was overloaded, but I wanted birthday cake, but I couldn't justify there was this cake that was way too much cake for. The four of us. For like$25. And I know that's not that much money, but in my head, in that confusing moment, I was like, I'm not spending$25 on a grocery store cake that was like twice as big as what we really need. So I was going to get one of the tiny little cakes. It was only$10, but they only had chocolate. And that's just not the only had chocolate cake with like the cream whipped cream frosting. I'm like, no, that's not, that's not. Nope, Nope. Nope. I need my. I need my kind of cake. So, the story is getting long. I apologize. So the day of my birthday it was raining a little bit. So we ended up going to bar Harbor, and just walking around the, some of the shops and stuff, and we found this bakery kind of place that had cupcakes and, and my partner, Ben was like, why don't we just get cupcakes? How does that sound? So then the bakery only took cash. Conveniently enough. They had an ATM in the store, so he's like, oh, I'll just get out cash. So we got these cupcakes and we ended up getting like a dozen cupcakes. Which was so hilarious because if I would've just gotten the cake at the grocery store to begin with, it would have been like way cheaper. And probably less cake in the long run. But anyway, got home. Had the cupcakes. And it was like the most disappointing thing ever because my cupcake, my vanilla cupcake with vanilla frosting and sprinkles tasted like somebody dumped a ton of like butter flavoring in it. And I used to be in the craft beer industry and there's something called diacetyl in beer that's like a flaw typically like too much diacetyl. And it tasted like diacetyl. And I was just like, Ooh. So I didn't even eat my cupcake. So there's my story of chaos and confusion. If I would have just embraced the chaos and confusion in the grocery store in the beginning, I would've had like a good grocery store cake. And funny enough, when we ended up going back to the grocery store later that week, and we went to a different location and they had vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream frosting. It was a pride cake, which was fun, so I celebrated my birthday and I celebrated pride month. And, yeah. There's that story. So anyway, getting back to another example about chaos and confusion. While our trip was really amazing. You know, there are always elements of chaos that shows up on vacation. Right? And for me to be honest, anytime and get out of my normal routine, this happens to me. I'm a creature of habit in a lot of ways. And in some ways I do really thrive on flying by the seat of my pants, but definitely within a structure of some sort of like routine. Why? Because I know what's coming. I know how to navigate the routine. I have the things I'm afraid of already taken care of. And more accurately, my brain likes it. But even though, like, even though I love going on vacation, like I mentioned, it really does throw me off a lot. And I do worry more about, like for me, I have a long history of just an obsession with body image and weight, um, worrying about that stuff. And so when I'm on vacation, I tend to worry more about that because my workout routine gets thrown off my, you know, my eating habits get screwed up. I tend to not eat as healthy. I tend to drink more alcohol, cause why not? It's vacation, right. And also having to come up with a plan for every day of vacation feels really heavy to me. And like I mentioned earlier, my family really looks at me like deer in headlights when I asked for input. I don't know. That's the common response. I don't care. What do you want to do? It all just feels super chaotic to me. So this is an example of how something I love-- Vacation creates a little chaos in my brain. And as I'm talking about it, I don't want you to think I'm complaining about vacation because that's not what I'm doing, but I'm really just trying to illustrate how my brain has a hard time sometimes with upsetting the structure, the routine, the predictability, the certainty that it's used to. So there's some fear that comes up for me. And again, like for me, it's typically with vacation and getting off of my workout schedule off my eat, my, my eating habits schedule. It's typically as much as I hate to admit it centered around the fear of gaining weight. And our brains tend to focus on that. So. Feeling a little chaos with vacation, now I will say, is it's really, probably a good thing, right? I mean, who doesn't love a vacation? So it's not exactly that hard to deal with because it's something that we enjoy. Like we can easily kind of put those things aside. But chaos can also show up in some really big ways, too. I've told the story of my divorce many, many times throughout, if you followed me, you know what I'm talking about? If you don't go to my website and read my bio. So that part of my life was huge, huge, huge chaos. Very unpredictable, very uncertain, confusing, disorder. All of it. And I think most of us have had a time in our lives where things feel chaotic, right? Like the rug has been pulled out from underneath us and we feel like there isn't any solid ground to stand on. And this can manifest in a lot of different ways, including feeling lost or stressed or overwhelmed, maybe even in capable of handling things. Afraid and so on and so on and so on. But today. Let's look at chaos. I love that word by the way. For some reason, I don't know why. But let's look at it from another angle. What if it wasn't a bad thing, like what if we actually just decided I'm going to just embrace chaos? I'm going to just lean into it. Nice. Right. So first let's start with what it is. What is chaos? The definition of chaos is confusion or disorder, and it's often set off by an event that's unpredictable. So there's, there's even a whole mathematical theory about chaos and chaos shows up everywhere, even in science and math. No matter how we try, we can't a hundred percent predict everything because there are just some things that don't follow the rules. And. Why is this even a problem? I mentioned earlier because our brains don't like unpredictability. We like certainty. So think back to like, you know, the stone age, caveman age, cave person age. When staying alive, depended on being alert and looking out for threats and protecting against them being proactive about them. You know, brains back then, were constantly looking for signs of danger. So evolution wise, that's really ingrained into how we as humans operate. Our brains are always on the lookout for threats, trying to stay ahead of the game in terms of danger. So when there's something that's unknown or uncertain, our brains really try to find a way to manage that. So what happens? Like we go to what we do know our brains, try to extrapolate and create certainty based on past data, past experiences or core beliefs. The problem is that data isn't always really very reliable. So, you know, cause things change. And in chaotic times, that means our brain is going to tell us that this uncertain situation is scary and bad. Because we're looking for that. And when we're feeling the feelings that come with a situation that feels scary and bad, it affects how we show up. But remember our thoughts about something create a feeling. And our feelings drive our actions and then our actions create the results we get. I think it's worth noting some of the ways that this fear of uncertainty or unpredictability or like being out of a routine, you know, when things get shaken up manifests in terms of results or outcomes. So when I went through my divorce, I was a hot mess friends, hot mess. I'm sure for the people closest to me, it was probably really, really hard to watch. This was like the ultimate example of chaos in my life without a doubt, a hundred percent. Talk about unpredictable. Like this was something I never saw coming. And if you're new to my world, the short version is that in 2014, so really, almost like nine years ago, it's hard to believe it's been that long. I discovered my ex was having an affair with another man after we'd been married for 17 years and known each other for like 19. So yeah, I mean, chaos definitely resulted from this. Super unpredictable, never saw coming. And, you know, first of all, I want to say that, of course this type of chaos was hard. Like that's an understatement. You know, of course it was going to be hard to handle it gracefully. Of course my brain sent up all of the red alerts and caused me to act in ways that were to put it like again, another understatement, weren't ideal. But that's all normal, but the perspective I want to offer today is that what of chaotic times like this weren't all so bad. Like what if we didn't make them so bad? Well, I can say this now, because I know that this time in my life wasn't all bad. Like I can see now, but it was hard to see this perspective while I was in the messy middle. I also didn't have a lot of skills to navigate that time. So if I were to go through it again, I would have different thoughts and different ways of showing up. Not to say I wouldn't struggle, but I would have better tools. So just a side note, the inspiration for this episode, was a card I pulled from my mystical shaman, Oracle deck. And if you like Oracle cards, it's a beautiful deck. I really love it. But, this episode was inspired by a card I pulled, it was called the wind. And it obviously resonated a lot for me because I'm doing a whole episode on this and I won't read the whole entry, but I will read one portion of it. Because this is what really, really got me thinking. So here it is: when wind comes as medicine, you're being invited to recognize the value of chaos. Windstorms provide necessary chaos to clear the air and spread seeds. So plants and trees can take root in new fields. Right now it may seem as if your world has been turned upside down, but this is a temporary storm that will blow over. Perhaps communication has broken down between you and another, or your many to do lists are overwhelming. You. The medicine is to simplify slow down course. Correct. If you need to and wait out the storm to clean things up. Just know that all storms have great value. If you can remain neutral during their course. Greater clarity and good things will come from it all. Remember this too shall pass. I just loved that so much. You know, in nature, chaos and unpredictability really clears the way for the new. You know, think about wildfires. Like they start unpredictably. We don't know when that's going to happen. It creates a lot of chaos. And, yet they're needed for forests to regenerate. And likewise it stirs things up for us and it gives us new perspective too. New challenges to overcome. Chaos really, you know, unpredictability pushes us to grow. So what if instead of fearing it. Like we kind of welcomed it when it came knocking on our door. Or rather, sometimes it bust the door down. What if we acknowledged it for what it is, just a new challenge that maybe where we weren't ready for. And then just ask what we can learn from it. What if we were to slow down. Kind of hunker down and ground in and just let that storm pass and, you know, clean up then. I often work with clients with their unhelpful thoughts. Remember, last week I talked about this on the show. Last episode, episode number. One 14. One 13. I forget now. Last week, last episode. I talked about. Making your thoughts work for you? And I often work with clients on thoughts that can be unhelpful. And remember, like I said before, our thoughts create our feelings and feelings drive our actions, actions create our results. So if we want different results, we need to really look at those thoughts. When our brain offers thoughts about chaos being bad, what happens? Well, we feel afraid. We feel stressed, overwhelmed. And none of these feelings are bad, of course, but when we aren't paying attention, they cause us to show up in ways that aren't really aligned with the person we want to be. And those behaviors don't always get us closer to what we want. Often our work here centers around creating a more neutral thought that can create a feeling that helps us take action towards something that does move us along the path that aligns with who we are. So let's take a really broad example here. When I learned that my marriage was over, my thoughts were really centered around how my life was over and I didn't know how I was going to make it through this totally awful thing. So what if I knew what I know now? It still would have been hard, but if I had just been able to kind of breathe. You know, welcome feelings of fear, anger, sadness, and pain. Not necessarily like liking them, but just noticing them and knowing that they're not going to be there forever. You know, just making space for them to exist and really grounding in finding meaning where I could. And just waiting out that storm more neutrally. There's a lot of nuance to this example. So please know it's a general one. And being neutral about a divorce is really, really pretty tough. If, you know, if not, I probably not impossible, but very difficult. And I get that. The point of the word neutral is really more though to learn to accept the difficult emotions, you know, accept the chaos and let it be there while you take action towards what's important to you, or like while you step through that kind of chaos that you're in towards, you know, something that feels better. And that requires slowing down. And it all also requires feeling the feelings that, that chaos brings... that the uncertainty and the unpredictability bring. And oh, that is so hard. It takes a lot of practice. It requires slowing down and it also requires feeling the feelings that come with chaos and confusion and disorder. That's really hard. It takes a lot of practice. So if we can just kind of slow down. And think about like, what is my next right step here? We can find greater clarity about navigating that path. And then we're not as freaked out. We feel more empowered to take those next right steps on our path. On our aligned path. So. There are a lot of benefits to like chaos and confusion and unpredictability and things that happen. You know, when you're not expecting them. Chaos forces us out of our comfort zones. So we need to adapt and grow to adjust to new things. You know, this process of having to adjust creates new data in our brain that tells us we're able to be flexible and to adapt. And this builds resilience. And that's so important. Adversity also creates new problems to solve. You know, it pushes us to dig deep and discover untapped resources that we have and remind us of what we're capable of. Or even, you know, let us know we're more capable than we thought we were or are. And here's where we build more confidence in our ability. We develop a stronger sense of self. And inner strength. It's easy to forget that sometimes, you know, when we're just cranking along and everything's fine. Sometimes we just forget what we're really made of. And remember how I mentioned that our brains extrapolate using old data to try to create certainty in uncertain situations. Well, you're creating some new data. We also become more resourceful. You know, we learn how to do that because we have two. I talked about why our brains hate uncertainty. You know, it's one of the biggest fears humans have in chaos really does give an opportunity. To practice embracing uncertainty. And let's face it. There's nothing certain. So as we practice embracing uncertainty, we develop a greater tolerance for ambiguity in life. And we develop a more flexible mindset that allows us, you know, it allows us to always be adapting and not make that a bad thing. There's a quote and I don't know who said it and exactly how it goes, but basically the, the, just as, but the only certain thing is that everything's uncertain. That's the only certain thing we don't know anything for sure. We also really, you know, I talked about digging deep to become more resourceful. We also discover, you know, some hidden strengths that we might have through adversity and chaos. We're really pushed to tap into our inner reserves of courage and determination creativity. Adaptability. And we discover parts of ourselves we might not have realized that we had before. I said to a friend recently that without challenges, life would be pretty boring. And she totally laughed and said, well, actually I think it would be pretty good. And yeah. I mean, if you really think about it, just being able to sit back and enjoy life without chaos would be nice. But on the other hand, we wouldn't then have the contrast. That allows us to appreciate that and appreciation, gratitude and finding meaning in life is also what creates that feeling of purpose in life, you know, which is, let's face it, that's most of us at one time or another ask about like, what's my purpose. So it's chaos hard. Yeah. Totally. But is it necessary for growth? I really think it is. And you know, it's really unavoidable. So we really have two choices. We can fight it or we can roll with it and come out on the other side, you know, think about it like a hurricane, you batten down the hatches, board up the windows, hang on until the storm is over and then you clean it up. Step-by-step. And to be clear, this doesn't mean that you just lie down and sleep on the couch until it's over. It means that you slow down, you get intentional. Work on welcoming the unwelcome, get comfortable being uncomfortable and always just ask yourself what your next right step is towards the life you want and the person you want to be. And this my friends can apply to managing your to-do list. Feeling like you have no time. You know, having a billion things going on in life at one time, feeling stressed. It can apply to you know, the other extreme, like, you know, having, finding out your ex wants a divorce, you know, it can apply to any type of chaos, but the point is, it's okay if things feel chaotic, you don't have to hook into the chaos. You can ground yourself in and sort of wait out the storm and take your little next right steps along the path while, it swirls around you. So I invite you to look at your life and see where chaos shows up there. How do you handle it? What are your thoughts about it and how might you slow down and hang on while you ride out the storm. You know, and take the little steps you can, but not like, just react to all the chaos all the time. And what are some of the thought shifts or mindset shifts you can make here? And if you need help doing this, because honestly, this is really easy to talk about in a podcast, but it is really hard work to do that takes a lot of practice. And to uncover some of your blind spots I talked about your brain creating certainty based on past data... Your brain doesn't want to let go of that past data so sometimes it really takes someone helping you uncover those blind spots so you can create new data. You can say oh I'm working with faulty data here let me see how I can dismantle this unhelpful belief system and build up a new one. So this is my favorite stuff to work with people on so just you know send me a message and we can talk about it. You know you. you. can schedule a call you don't have to commit to working with me or anything like that but you know it could be really fun to hop on a call and you know get my thoughts on what your blind spots are I love helping people with this stuff so just go over to my website at kortney rivard dot com slash lets dash talk and you can schedule a free strategy session. And one more thing. Favor to ask... if you liked this episode or if you're enjoying my show i would really appreciate it if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really helps other people find the show and that is the whole point of this. I do this for you guys because i love sharing the things that I've learned and I just feel so honored to be able to help other people Along their journey to live a real brave and unstoppable life. So please go do that if you don't mind it only takes a couple of minutes and again it really helps other people find this show. Okay friends i hope this was a helpful topic for you i will be back soon with another episode that will help you live your real brave and unstoppable life.