Ep 111: Perfectionism and Authenticity: Why You Can't Have Both

In this week's episode, I'm talking about perfectionism and how it impacts our ability to show up as our most authentic selves.

You'll learn:

• What perfectionism is (and isn't)
• Signs that perfectionism might be holding you back
• How perfectionism prevents you from being the truest version of yourself
• What to do to help overcome perfectionism so you can live your best, most authentic life.

=== RESOURCES ===

If you struggle with perfectionism and don't know what to do to overcome it, consider this your invitation to hop on a free Discovery Call to learn more about how I can help.  This call is free to you with no obligation. What do you have to lose (except your perfectionism!)?

Schedule HERE


FREE Download:
Click HERE to download your free e-book, Creating a Life You Love


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Transcript

1:43

Hello, friends and welcome back to real, brave and unstoppable. This is episode number one hundred and eleven one, one one. If you're familiar with numerology or, you know, if you pay attention to numbers, The number one is, really a lot of repeated ones are really kind of special. They signify new opportunities, new beginnings, basically like you know, a sign of manifestation or, or that you're kind of on the right track. So when you notice those multiple ones just take notice. So you just pay attention. Anyway, that was just a little side note. Before we dig into what I have for you for the podcast today. And to kick it off. I have a question for you: when you go about your day to day... Do you feel like you're able to totally be yourself? Or are you afraid of messing up? Being rejected or even failing? So you need to take certain measures or put up some, you know, defenses to ensure that that doesn't happen. I'm going to let that question just kind of marinate for a minute. And obviously the name of this podcast is real, brave and unstoppable. And one of my values in life is authenticity... really striving to move towards always showing up as the real version of myself. And that's not always easy. I've talked about that a lot too. But today I wanted to talk about one of the things that makes it really hard to show up and be real or authentic. And that is perfectionism. So way back around episode number six or so I covered this topic. But it affects so many people that I wanted to bring it back, but really it, it specifically to how succumbing to perfectionist thinking and behaviors take you out of authenticity and integrity with who you really are. So this episode is kind of a little bit of a piggyback on last week's episode on imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome and perfectionism are definitely related. And a side note, if you didn't catch last week's episode on imposter syndrome, you'll definitely want to circle back and have a listen to that episode. Number 110. Today, my goal is to help you see where perfectionism might be showing up for you, Give you the information that you need to recognize where it prohibits you from being yourself and how that impacts you know, living the life you really want to live or being the person who you really want to be. And also some ways that you can work on perfectionism so you can show up more authentically. By the way I mentioned before being authentic is not always easy. It takes a lot of courage, especially when you're used to showing up in perfectionist mode. So, first of all, and we'll get, we'll talk about that. But first of all, let's talk a little bit about what perfectionism is. And as you know, I like to start with definitions and, the definition in the dictionary doesn't really encompass, kind of what I think we think about as perfectionism when we talk about it in the coaching or a mental health space. So I pulled this definition from the American psychological association dictionary: They state that, that perfectionism is the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance in excess of what is required by the situation. It's associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems. I think that definition captures it pretty well. I just like to think about it as, you know, it's that tendency to really put a lot of pressure on yourself. Usually unnecessarily. And we're going to talk about the difference between, you know, healthy, striving and perfectionism as well. So hang tight on that one. Because that's one of the biggest questions that I get is what's wrong with wanting to achieve things? And there's nothing wrong with that. And we'll get to the differences later on in the show. But some things to look for if you want to just check in and see if these things show up for you are: have you ever been like made a mistake and then been super preoccupied with it? It could look like ruminating over what you could have done differently. As well as the feeling of shame or maybe embarrassment. Like you just keep replaying something over in your mind. Like, why did I do it that way? Why didn't I do this different? I looked so stupid. You know, things like that. Maybe you set really challenging goals for yourself and then when you don't meet them, it's like a black and white thing. It's like, if they aren't met, then you beat yourself up. Inner critic comes out and says, you're no good. You're not good enough. You can't even reach that goal. And along those lines is really just, I mean, the obvious striving for things to be perfect. And when they're not, they're a failure. So again, it's that black and white thinking. There's no gray area and they're typically, it's hard for perfectionist to see that gray area. With perfectionism, it's really difficult to see that there are little wins all along the way. You know, we're only seeing the end result. It's like, you know, not enjoying the journey, so to speak. Seeing all the negatives and not the things that we did well. Or even accounting for the lessons that you learned in making some mistakes. And to that end also, perfectionism is associated with very outcome focused behavior. Disregarding the process. Like I mentioned, the lessons. We forget about the lessons. If the outcome goes, quote, unquote, wrong. Perfectionists tend to be really competitive. I know like I, I'm a recovering perfectionist. And, I'm still competitive, but not like I used to be like, it used to be when I didn't come in first, like that was a failure. So, I don't know if you see, if you relate to that one. You know, it's not so much about the learning or the experience. It's really just about where you placed. Some other things that come up around perfectionism is overworking to make sure there aren't mistakes, you know, over checking work to make mistakes, overly worried about details. This actually leads to lower productivity and ironically, I once had a client who actually had worse performance reviews because she didn't finish her work in a timely manner. Then, if she had trusted in her ability to just do it to the level that it needed to be done. She worried so much about making even one tiny mistake, not the overall end result. So her review was like, well, you're turning in perfect work, but we needed it like three days ago. You're slow. So that's one way that can impede your progress in life. Some perfectionists are very avoidant. Well, perfectionism is kind of an avoidant behavior, but procrastination, like I'm not going to be able to do it right. It's overwhelming to start it because the idea of doing it perfect is like big to think about. I already mentioned like the goals, the challenging goals. So that kind of unrealistic standards. Exhaustion from having high standards and constantly having to reach them. And of course, since they're really overly challenging and unrealistic, Chances are you're never reaching them so you're always being highly critical of yourself. So it's kind of a vicious cycle there and really doesn't feel very good. And then not all perfectionist do this, but some do where their expectations of themselves really carry over to other people. So they have really high expectations of others, and then they are very disappointed when other people don't measure up to those standards. Another thing is not liking anything that you've done, like just throwing it all out and starting from scratch. And I can relate to this one. This is, I mentioned I'm a recovering perfectionist. But when I write, I have a tendency to do this where I just, I struggle with it. I fight with it. And then I'm just like, this sucks. I'm just going to throw it all out and start over. And it's almost like I have to go through this as part of my process to see that the perfectionism perfectionism isn't working. But that's an idea of where, I mean, I could save myself a lot of time. If I just kinda, you know, went was a little easier on myself. So, you know, recovery from perfectionism is kind of a work in progress sometimes. Tunnel vision is another one... focused, like you sort of lose sight of the broader picture you're so focused on what you're trying to make perfect you don't notice some of the things outside of that or You know worry is really worried about failure rejection avoiding uncomfortable feelings. So you know some of the things that relate to that or the inability to handle criticism, You know you take it as personal you says something about who you are it means you failed which which brings like shame and embarrassment. A lot of times perfectionist also say yes to everything they feel like they need to take care of everything not disappoint other people and that's that's where it kind of crosses over into people pleasing a little so I tend to share a lot of examples that of myself That sort of illustrate these, these concepts I talk about, but I'm going to share an experience of mine from my senior year of college that really sums all of this up pretty well. You know, growing up, I was always one of those people who had to like, I just, I was an overachiever. I didn't really think anything of it at the time. But when I was in college, my senior year, I had a lot, lot going on. A lot going on. I was working on getting my pilot's license. Um, this was at the end of the year, I was working on a senior design project in aerospace. It was a space craft design project. And we were actually going to be traveling to Marshall space flight center in Alabama to do a presentation on our design. so we were preparing for that. Plus I had finals. Plus I had to move out of school for the year. So apartment to get moved. And I was also preparing to move to Seattle for the summer to intern for Boeing. So that was a lot of stuff going on in a very short amount of time. And I was trying really hard to get my pilot's license done before I left for Seattle. So I was preparing for my oral exam with my flight instructor and he was quizzing me on a bunch of things and you know, I was so stressed out about all these things. I was a very type a high-strung just, you know, really everything had to be done perfectly and it didn't really feel like it was going perfectly. So I was kind of a mess. And he asked me, there were a couple of questions, like in a row that I just like, I blanked. I could not think of the answer. And I just kinda lost it and he's stopped me and he's like, Kortney. You don't have to do all this. Do you see what you're doing to yourself? And it was kind of, I, I remember that, so that, uh, that experience. So while, because it really sort of sums up what I would do to myself is that I had to get, you know, I had to perform to this high level and get all the things done. And if I didn't get all the things done, I was this huge failure of mine. So I've talked to several people over the years that really relate to that examples. So I'm not the only one. But there's a lot I could have done in that timeframe to manage some of that so I would have been a happier person. And it definitely did not. So with that example of me having all those things to do, and like with the flight instructor showing up with all my armor on, like that was, I was not able to be real. I was not able to be my true, authentic self because I had to prove something. You know, I had to prove that I could do all this stuff. So because I had to put all that armor on nobody knew who the real me was. I don't think I even knew. So an interesting thing about perfectionism is that really it's a fear pattern. It's like a response to something we're afraid of. And generally, that fear is of failure or criticism, rejection, not belonging, not fitting in. And what is a fear pattern? A fear pattern is a pattern of thoughts or behaviors that are triggered by something that you're afraid of. There's a cue or a trigger. Then the pattern starts, the routine starts. And then there's a reward and perfectionism- that fear pattern- the reward is that you avoid feeling. You avoid being criticized. At least that's what you think, because there's no way to really avoid that because you can't control what other people say or, or do. So the first thing is something triggers the pattern, right? Something cues the routine. It could be a test, a project, a deadline, a goal. The cue or the trigger is something that's been baked into our brain. And it's really based on our experiences. We've created some beliefs about ourselves and how the world works that tell us we should be afraid of something. So, for example, if one time in your life, you were shamed for making a mistake and you felt some really uncomfortable feelings of shame or embarrassment, which can be really hard emotions to feel) and if we didn't know how to manage those emotions, our brain said, Nope, not doing that again. So it becomes like, you know, the hot stove. Warning sign, I'm not going there again. So whatever I need to do to avoid that I'm going to do. So then that becomes a trigger. A cue. So the pattern goes into play, which, you know, the pattern is in the form of procrastination or avoiding something or setting really super challenging goals. So. You make sure that you look good. You know, you overwork, you avoid things, you beat yourself up because you didn't reach your goal. So next time you will kind of thing. And we think by doing all these things, we can avoid the discomfort and we maybe can in the short term sometimes, and that leads me to talk about the reward. The reward is always like, it takes the edge off. Like it alleviates the fear a little bit. So let's say you're working on a project and you're afraid of getting a poor review on it. So you work and work and work and the, and, and you work more than you really have to because the thought of it not being good enough, the rejection, the criticism. You know, the dread of having all of the emotions that come with that are just really, like, that's just too much to think about. And your brain, you feel like the solution to this problem is to just not make the mistakes. So you're avoiding mistakes. You have, and that feels like control of your fear in that moment. Because you're over focusing on making it perfect. So in your mind, you know, you've got this because you're so focused on getting it right. And the payoff is that at the time you feel in control over all of it. And it takes that edge off of feeling you know that fear of failure. But that's just short term, right? I mentioned the example earlier of somebody whose performance review is much lower because she spent so much time trying to make everything perfect that her work, it took too long. And her boss was frustrated with her because it took too long. The short term payoff was that she felt like in control of not failing. You know, so that took the edge off of the stress because you know, in her mind is like, I've got this. But then the long term is that, you know, her long-term work, her longterm term product suffered. Another example could be, if you don't reach a goal, instead of just chalking up to experience and learning from it, you beat yourself up. It wasn't perfect. It was a failure. You know, not being able to see the lessons. Or really learn from that mistake. This one trips, a lot of people up in seeing how this pattern plays out, how it creates a reward. It's almost like a, well, I won't let that happen again. Sort of thing. In the perfectionist mindset. There's a funny trick that it plays where. The perfectionist mind, views the beatings, a self-motivating. Like if I'm not hard on myself, I won't be perfect. And then I'll have to go through the same thing again. So in contrast, If I'm hard on myself, it will help me get, be on top of this. It's like the bootcamp that'll make me be perfect. And then I won't have to go through this again. So a lot of people will ask and I, you know, I've had this question myself before is what's the difference though? What's wrong with wanting to achieve things. The answer to that is there's nothing wrong with wanting to be an achiever, you know, to, to accomplish things. So let's talk a little bit about that. What's the difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist. We also call them healthiest strivers. So I'm going to call healthy strivers. Healthy strivers are able to find meaning in the process of something. Whereas I mentioned before perfectionists they're really worried about outcome. Trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings, which, you know, as achieved by having things perfect. Everything will be great once I get the promotion or lose the weight or, you know, it's fleeting satisfaction. And a lot of times, like if you're a perfectionist. See, if you can relate to this, there's oftentimes a feeling of emptiness once you reach a goal, because you're really only concerned with the end goal not the experience along the way. And also because a lot of times the goals you go for or set are because you get approval for setting and reaching those goals. Perfectionists are just overly critical of themselves too. Healthy strivers aren't nearly so critical. You know, maybe they're sometimes, but perfectionists can be really brutal to themselves. Ask me how I know that. Perfectionists often, like I mentioned before, set unrealistic goals. And if they don't meet them, it's a failure. I've been the ask me how I know that too. Healthy strivers tend to be a little more flexible. If a goal isn't serving them anymore, they are more flexible about letting it go or tweaking it. Again, it's more about the process and less about the checkbox, maybe more about how they feel in the process and in doing it versus the outcome. When you're after achievement in a healthy way. You're much more likely to be able to see failure and mistakes as just part of your journey. Brene Brown's book daring greatly at the beginning has a poem called the man in the arena by Teddy Roosevelt. And basically it talks about when you're in the arena, like, you know, putting yourself out there doing the work you're going to make mistakes. You're going to fall. You know, you're gonna look stupid at some point, you're going to fail at some point. And with each failure when you get up again, you have that much more information to take into your next go around. So, you know, healthy strivers are able to just see that as part of it. And they look for the lessons and sort of have that mentality that with risk comes reward and kind of live by that. Self-worth is another one. you know, perfectionists. Self-worth really hinges on the outcome. Performance. Where if you don't perform to the standard that you set for yourself, then there's something wrong with you. You know, whereas if you have a more flexible approach, You know, it's okay. Big deal. I didn't meet that goal. What would I do differently next time? It doesn't mean you're not disappointed in not meeting the goal. But it doesn't mean anything about who you are, what type of person you are. It doesn't make you unworthy or not good enough. So we've covered a little bit about what perfectionism is and some things to look out for. But the point of this episode is really to look at like how perfectionism impacts your ability to live the life that you want, like to show up in your full authenticity practice courage, and, you know, live an unstoppable life. So what happens when we're in perfectionism is we're very externally focused. And we're not really focusing on being happy and purposeful on the inside. We're changing what's on the inside to make what's on the outside fit. So like, let's just say that what's important to you on the outside is, you know, looking good. So there are several checkboxes that in your mind, you have to check so you look like you've got your shit together. Well, so then you're changing your insides to match what you think, you know, your life should look like on the outside. The problem is then when the outside falls apart, and I've talked about this a lot on my show. And in my work, but when the outside falls, then the inside, you're left with something that you've manufactured to match the outside, but now they don't match anymore. So, what do you do? You weren't really left with a foundation. so you know what this might look like is choosing goals because they're impressive or because someone else thinks it's something you should do. And the should, could be explicit, like there are, I know people whose parents have, you know, said I want you to be a doctor. I want you to be a lawyer. And it's really a non-negotiable in a lot of ways there's a lot of disappointment, so that is a very real thing. I recognize that. And then sometimes it's also something that's assumed by you. This is something I should do. In terms of, you know, I've read a great article that was called sneaky saboteur of authenticity, which is perfectionism. And some of the points that makes in there. So good. Um, Authenticity is Brene brown puts, it is a choice. We make it every single day, everything else, our minute and it's really giving up the struggle with trying to be who we think we should be and just be who we really are. It's really like, it's a lot of self-acceptance. Showing up in that acceptance of who we are, even when it's uncomfortable. One thing that I noticed about my own perfectionism is I had a lot of different like masks to wear. Quote, unquote. When I was in different groups of people, I call it chameleons syndrome or shape-shifting where, depending on the group you're in or the situation you're in, and it's normal to do this to some degree, but, I had a different persona because I wanted to fit in because there is the fear of, you know, not being liked or being criticized or, you know, not fitting in was so great that I would just shift myself. I would figure out how to fit into that. And if I, and then secretly behind the scenes, I was like, oh, those people are. I mean, these weren't my same words, but you know, better than me. I don't fit in. I have to, I have to pretend to fit in, or I have to try so hard to fit in. And the problem is like, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere because I was so busy trying to fit in. Whereas I think when you can drop that and just show up as who you really are, you find your people like your real people. also, you know, with perfectionism, you're much more likely to, you know, put on a happy face, put on a I've, got it all together face. Not share things that are real for fear of shame or embarrassment. And what that does is again, like you're not able to show up and share you with other people. Like they don't get to know the real you, they get to know the person that you're putting forth. So you don't really make true connections. You know, connections are not genuine. And other people sense this, so they there's like a, in whether they realize it or not, there's some kind of dissonance that doesn't allow them to really want to reach out. It doesn't invite them to want to reach out and connect with you. As long time ago, we had just moved to this area. This is probably 2005 ish. I hosted a get together for a bunch of local photographers and we had all been in an online community together. So we knew each other that way. But it was the first time many of us had met in person. And there were two women that came... and later on, we ended up going to a workshop in Philadelphia. we decided to like, you know, get a hotel room and share the room drive together. And I ended up really loving these two women that so much they're good friends, but they told me that when they first met me, their reaction was, Ooh, she's scary. So intimidating. And I just, I was like, what? That's you serious? Like, I always felt like, you know, I was just the person who didn't fit in and this and that. Right. but I wasn't able to connect with them until I let down my guard. And when I did, we had so much fun together. It was a great weekend. We were all just, we all became. Fairly close. And it was amazing to me that contrast of when they thought I was scary and intimidating, like there was no connection there. And then when they got to know who I really was, I really made some good friends. Also think about it. When you're constantly having to edit yourself, like how exhausting is that? It's super exhausting. And when you're tired, you're also not able to be your best self. Related to connection, I'm bouncing around a lot today, but related to connection. you know, being authentic and real is really a prerequisite for trust. So, you know, if you can't show up in a real, authentic way, there's always going to be some kind of gap there, in my opinion. When you're really afraid of failure or rejection, for a lot of perfectionist, it's very difficult to speak up and share their own beliefs or exercise their own beliefs and values. And as a result, they kind of live to other people's values and beliefs. And so, you know, I talked to a lot of people who this type of thing affects where they just don't really know who they even are anymore, because they've been so focused on trying to be someone who fits in no matter where they are, that they just have really forgotten what's important to them and what they really love. I mentioned before the connection piece of things. That you know, some people just really aren't your people and so when you give up trying to fit in everywhere, like you'll realize that you'll start to realize, oh, you know what? I don't really like fitting in with these people anyway. Like nothing against them. I just, they're not my people. And that's one thing I learned is when I kind of let down my walls a little bit, I found people who I enjoyed. And I enjoyed them a lot. You know, it wasn't like I had a bunch of acquaintances who I just kind of liked being around. I had that, but I also had a smaller group of people, but a group that I really enjoyed being around. There are plenty of people who will love you for who you really are. Not who you think you should be. I think one of the biggest, well, the thing that I think is the biggest effect on people with perfectionism is that you really miss out on building the life you want from the inside out. You know, the life you want that even when it's hard or feels sucky, you're still satisfied and fulfilled. You know, and in order to do that, you need to drop the perfectionism. And I know what's how do we do that? That's the hard part, right? There's a lot of things. It's work. It's a practice to learn how to drop perfectionism. So there's a lot of things we do in coaching. And with perfectionism, a lot of it is learning to identify thought errors or you know, thought patterns that aren't helpful. And the other part of it is learning how to be willing to feel all the things. Even the things that feel really, really uncomfortable. Because with perfectionism. There's that underlying fear of the feelings that you get when you don't fit in or when you fail or you think you're stupid. You know, Those feelings are really hard to be with. I mentioned shame and embarrassment. And shame is like one of the hardest feelings to feel. And so a lot of this work is learning to just become aware of what you're feeling and thinking in any moment and just sort of softening and letting it be there and be willing for it to be there in that moment and not have to change it. It's like a beach ball. If the hard stuff is a beach ball. If you want to push it under the water you're not going to keep it there unless you keep pushing it. So if you want to keep pushing the beach ball, the hard stuff away for your entire life. You're going to be tired because you're going to have to push it constantly and you won't ever be able to let go of it because what happens if the beach ball, if you let it go. Yeah, it pops up. It floats to the other side of the pool, and guess what? The beach ball or the hard stuff it's still there. But your hands are free now. So you can do other things. And even though the beach ball is still there, you can still make moves towards what's important to you. So it's really important to learn how to accept those feelings and those thoughts. That's one really big thing. And then the thoughts, right? To really distance yourself from some of those perfectionism perfectionistic thoughts. Distance them, challenge the thoughts, learn to see your flaws and imperfections as neutral. They're not good. They're not bad. They just they're just there. They're thoughts about you that are just thoughts. You don't have to believe them. Our thoughts are not facts, folks. Our thoughts are not facts. Another thing to think about with this kind of stuff is running away versus running toward. If you find yourself in perfectionism, this is for me, it's like a, a flag. When I'm in perfectionism, I'm running away from something. So I have to ask myself what in my life is happening right now that I'm not dealing with and I'm feeling the need to like control? like, you know, to check out with, by using perfectionism to control it. What is it that I can't control right now that's leading to these behaviors? These perfectionistic behaviors. And running away is not authentic. Also learning the skill of self-compassion is really, key in dealing with perfectionism or like overcoming it. One of my favorite questions to help you take a step back from, you know, beating up on yourself is to reverse the roles with a good friend. Like if, if a good friend were going through or saying, or doing the perfectionistic type things that you're doing, like, what would you say to your friend? How would you treat your friend? It's one of my favorite. Reframes. It helps a lot. And the last thing, I just want to share it in terms of like, you know, quote unquote, the cure for perfectionism is really knowing what you want. I mentioned running away versus running towards something. Really knowing what you want to run towards, like always ask yourself if you're moving in that direction. Or running away from something else. you know, knowing your values in life, what's really important to you about something is really helpful in this scenario. If you get to a place where if you get into a situation where there's a lot of discomfort around, say, you know, failing at something, you know overworking, because you're worried about making a mistake. Running away from making a mistake manifests as like, you know, overworking. Getting overly consumed by the details. Right? If you stop and you say, okay, well what's really important to me. You know, and that can help you choose. If, you know, for example, as to make this a simple one, if authenticity is a value of yours, if that's really important to you in life, You stop and ask yourself is me avoiding the feelings that come with failure and just totally spending way more time than I need to on this and feeling like I suck at it, is that more important than feeling authentic? And then we can make the choice. So to recap. Today, we talked a lot about what perfectionism is, what to look for, you know, how do you know if you're in perfectionism, chances are, if you're a perfectionist, you already know that. I probably don't need to tell you. You know, in some ways that it really impacts your ability to show up in an authentic way. And how you can work to overcome that. So you can show up in a very real way. Because that's where the gold is at friends, that's where life happens. You know, like that's where you feel alive, where you're like, you're actually living your life and you're not at the mercy of your life is when you can show up as the person that you're meant to be and let go of all the rest. So. If you're feeling intrigued, I help people with us all the time. It's something that comes up like weekly for me, with clients. And when you do this work of addressing your perfectionism, you'll actually enjoy your life so much more. So, if you want to enjoy your life a little more, let's talk. I have a great opportunity for you to schedule a free discovery call. You can share with me a little bit about your perfectionism and I will share with you how I can help you. So, if you would like to talk to me about that. Please reach out to me via email at kortney@kortneyrivard.com. Or you can also visit kortneyrivard.com click on the contact me link and just send me a message through the website. Either one works. One more thing before I leave you today, friends... If you could do me a favor and go leave me a rating and a positive review. Wherever you get your podcasts, that would help me out so much. It helps me in a lot of ways, but it does help others find the show so I can reach even more people. So, if you wouldn't mind doing that, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for tuning in today. I hope this episode was helpful. And I will see you next time.