Ep 100: Self-Concept and the Belief List

Welcome to Episode 100! 🎉🎉🎉

This week I talk about why your self-concept is so important when it comes to creating the life you really want. I also share one of my favorite tools to build a positive self-concept.

In this episode you'll learn:

• what self-concept is
• why it's important to carry a positive self-concept
• how to create a positive self-concept
• how your self-concept relates to believing in what's possible
• my favorite tool for building a positive self-concept

There are a couple of spots left in my upcoming retreat!
RISE into what's possible for YOU at RISE: The Live Retreat Experience
September 8-10
Dickerson, MD (about an hour outside of Washington, DC)

Learn more at kortneyrivard.com/retreat

Transcript

0:51

Hello, my beautiful sweet friends. And welcome back to real Braven unstoppable. This is episode number 100. Woo. Anyway today, I am going to talk about what's called self-concept. Basically self-concept is the way you think about, or what you believe about yourself. Your self-concept affects how you interact with pretty much everything. Your circumstances, other people, and it also affects how other people interact with you. So at the most basic self concept is like a sets or a collection of beliefs. That you hold about yourself and the responses of other people. It kind of embodies that question of who am I. So before I get into the episode, though, I want to talk about rise. Rises my upcoming retreat. Very small, intimate retreat. I'm really excited about it. It's only a few weeks away. And I have a few spots left. So I was talking to a friend about the retreat. And she asked how I was marketing it. So I explained to her the idea behind Rise is that it's the space for us to come in and look at what we really want in life and what's keeping us from having it. You know, maybe it's the belief that we're too old to get what we want or to have what we want, or it's too late. We missed our chance. Or, you know, it could be the belief that you're not smart enough or capable enough to do X, Y, Z, whatever it is. There are mentally imposed limits that stop you from having what you want in your life, or from being happy. You know, feeling joy, feeling freedom, whatever it is for you. So in the space, in the retreat, we get present to what our limiters are and, we shift those so you can see the other side of that. So think of it like a stick with obviously two ends, the stick represents all of the possibilities to a given question or circumstance at one end is absolutely not possible. And at the other end is 100% totally possible. And in between are all kinds of other possibilities. Uh, most people tend to immediately go to absolutely not that end of the stick. But that's not the only possibility because we just don't really know. Right. So it's super important to give equal airtime to the other possibility or possibilities just by asking what if that's possible? Can really shift or move a lot of energy and open up a lot of, you know, brain space to consider other alternatives. There are all kinds of other self discoveries that you'll make at Rise, but this is the overall theme is removing barriers, smashing through barriers, believing in yourself, creating a self-concept. Like, we're going to talk about today. That allows you to be the person that has what you want. But anyway, as my friend and I were talking, she told me she loved what I was telling her about the retreat. And she would totally come if she wasn't going to be out of town that week. And then she also commented that if, I was marketing that message with, you know, removing limits and believing in yourself and creating the life you really want while it was amazing, she said, well, it's a little heavy and people, people might not necessarily be actively looking for help with that, or they might not realize that's what they need to do to be happier or feel the way they want to feel in life. And I thought about it and I realized that she's really right. There's a lot of good, there's a lot of truth to that. Because some of you might feel exhausted and burned out. You may feel like your to-do list rules your life, and you don't have any time for yourself. You might feel like your life is like a hamster wheel that you just can't get off of a same stuff all the time. Same routine going through the motions. Maybe you're frustrated. You can never seem to get away from like your phone or your computer or from your work. But chances are most of us have this where there isn't a lot of time for self care,"me time" and there might be some guilt for taking time out for your own wants and needs. When you have other people to take care of. And it's funny because learning to see possibility is really a deep benefit of this retreat, but the other benefits that actually help this bigger benefit of seeing possibility possible. Are that you get to leave your to-do list at the door. You get to spend three whole days focusing on you. You get to rest recharge, unplug, and totally just unwind. That's one of the things I've found about retreats is when I get off the plane, and get to the venue, it's like this wash of relief comes over me. And retreats can be intense in the best of ways, but it's the idea of being able to just be. In this dedicated container where you're held, you're held. You obviously like, you know, things are still going on at home and stuff like that, but for the most part, you really get to set those things aside. And just be there for yourself. I talked to a lot of people who have a hard time making friends, the close friends, the older they get. I think myself included. It just feels like it's harder as I get older to find people that are on the same page as me. And at Rise, you'll connect with other women who are looking for the same kind of recharge that you are. They probably also feel the way that you do about friends. And you'll also have so much fun. Uh, we're going to let go of all the shoulds and have-tos and the need to do it right. We'll just be able to play and experiment. Let ourselves be messy and authentic as we spend our time together, unwinding creating memories and having some fun. So all of this, like I said, takes place in just a few weeks. It's September 8th through 10th. Um, check-in as the seventh checkouts, the 11th, and we're staying on a renovated farm property in the countryside of Maryland. It's quiet. Beautiful. And it's really the perfect place for you to take some space from just the everyday busy-ness of life. And I have a few spots left, like I said, I would love to have you. So do yourself a favor. And reach out seriously, do yourself a favor. Relax recharge, unplug. Remove your limits. See possibility, create the life you want. It's going to be amazing. Reach out to me at kortney@kortneyrivard.com or you can also do. Or you can also go to kortneyrivard.com/retreat. And check out the info there. Okay. Yeah. With that, let's dive into today's episode about self-concept and the belief list. So, as I said, self-concept at the most basic level is a set or a collection of beliefs that we have about ourselves and the way other people respond to us or how we interact with basically the world. It's kind of that answer to who am I from our, through our lens. The funny thing about self-concept though, is that it's really subjective. It doesn't necessarily align with reality. It aligns with like our version of reality, like what we're seeing through our own lens. When our self-concept aligns with reality, it says to be congruent. But when it doesn't align, it's called it's incongruent. So here's an example of it not aligning. Let's say we raise our hand in class to, uh, or a teacher picks on, you know, picks on us to share an answer in class. And we get the answer wrong. And the teacher says, nice try, but that's not right. And then gives the answer. So in when the teacher says, nice try. That's not right, she's that's just, that can be a totally neutral circumstance. Right? But we've interpreted as I'm stupid. I'm not good enough. I'll never go to college. I'll never, this I'll never that. Right. So that's an example of incongruency where our self-concept is not in alignment with reality. Because the teacher didn't have any, it was a response that didn't mean I'm not going to go to college. I'm too dumb. I'm all the things, right. That's an example of being incongruent. But the incongruency that we have with our self-concept actually it it's rooted in childhood. Uh, really easy to see that, right? Our self concept develops as we develop. And as you probably know, there are beliefs or narratives or Stories that we've picked up in childhood that we carry with us that aren't necessarily like reality. These are the stories we've created through interactions with family or friends or teachers, media, et cetera. And they're the stories that we've created to make us okay. To make ourselves safe and, and like we belong. In the environment around us. For example, if when you were a child, you were really loud, and the adults in your life were always telling you that people would just think you're allowed mouth. If you didn't tone it down. You're likely to grow up thinking that part of you is wrong. Or undesirable not good enough or bad. So part of your self concept might be. I'm too loud. I'm too much. If growing up, you were taught that people like us, quote unquote don't ever have enough, your story about yourself, may be that you're a person who won't ever have enough money to do the things you really want, like travel or have a nice home. Like your default thinking might be, I don't have enough for that. I'll never be able to have those things. Self-concept can change based on the people we're with or the environments we're in too. For example, if you're with someone that you feel really comfortable with, you might feel confident or like on an equal plane, but if you're around someone who intimidates you, you may have a story in your head that they're smarter than you. Um, your self-concept may be that you're not as good as this person. So when you're in the company of them, you always feel like you're not good enough or less than. So I said before that self-concept kind of answers the question, who am I, but really through our own lens. So really what that's saying is that what makes you, you really depends a lot on the way you see yourself. For example, if you consider yourself to be kind. That can become a really important element of your identity and you just believe I am kind because it's, it's just something you believe about yourself. So it's just naturally part of yourself concept. Conversely, if you grow up thinking that you're fat, that can also easily become part of your self-concept. So the self concept also comes partly from the way other people see us too. However, our brains tend to have like a negative bias built in... just the way our brains are. So depending on the stories and the beliefs that we have baked into who we are, we may interpret how others see us as negative. And that can be part of our self-concept too. Like I mentioned, the teacher. We may have, you know, from that interaction, the lens that we have may have told us that, oh, that teacher thinks I'm stupid. I can actually remember a time where I did something like that in college, where, I went in to office hours and I was always terrified to go to office hours because I was so afraid of my professors thinking I was stupid. And I mean, I remember that on a regular basis, like I went in one time. Um, You know, the few times I did go, I went into ask my fluid mechanics, professor some questions. And she was super helpful, but I walked out of that saying to myself, oh my gosh. She thinks I'm so stupid. I wish I would have never gone in there. So, you know, it's crazy. Cause she was probably just happy to help me cause she was really nice. Right? Not all professors are that way, but she was. And that's one actually side note. It's one regret I have. And one of the biggest pieces of advice I have for like kids is don't be afraid to ask your teachers questions. It's their job. Who cares if they think you're stupid, it's their job to help you learn. Also the also factoring into our self-concept is, um, how we fit into different categories, like race or gender, age, stuff like that. And then we also organize things. Hierarchically. That's a hard word to say. We kind of unconsciously decide which pieces are more important than the others, but that's also coming through our own lens too. Right? Like I may place more importance on getting good grades in school while someone else may be, Uh, maybe feels like athletics or winning awards for sports is more important. So if I'm not getting the grades, I've determined are good enough. My self-concept will suffer even if, for example, like I'm really athletic and good at sports. Because I've unconsciously sort of made that hierarchy in my, in my mind. Here's another example. So let's say I tend to be disorganized a lot of the time. I forget things often and I run late. I may or may not be talking about myself. So I call myself a hot mess. Quote-unquote. So when I do things like forgetting an appointment or I show up late, I'm hard on myself for being a hot mess. In other words, I treat myself like I'm a hot mess. That's part of my self-concept. I think of myself like a hot mess. I'm a person who's late and disorganized and all the things. This isn't exactly me just using it as an example, but I am a little disorganized and I can run late often. So, what do you think is going to happen? If I treat myself like a hot mess? Self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps. I'm going to be stuck in that energy of being a hot mess. And I'm likely going to just keep forgetting things and being late because that's just what I believe about myself. And it's not going to feel great. If I believe that life is cruel and I'm a victim to my circumstances. I'm going to treat myself and think of myself like a victim. And when I treat myself like a victim. I'm not going to stretch myself to see outside my little victimy bubble, that there might be a more helpful way of thinking about myself. Perhaps acknowledging my situation is really difficult. But I'm a strong and resilient person. Or, you know, I'm a strong and resilient person independent of my circumstances would be a better self-concept. Money is another one where there are a ton. Of examples. I know someone who has a thought. Uh, default thought I'm bad with money. So she treats herself like she's bad with money she's or she beats herself up for spending her money on things that she doesn't need. And then her brain justifies it with I'm bad with money. I'm just bad with money. So, what do you think would happen if she deliberately changed herself concept to something like I'm a person who manages, saves and spends my money well? Her thoughts change. So her feeling about herself is going to change and thus her actions change. Remember, if you listen to this show often I've talked about think feel do. Your thoughts, create your feelings, create your actions, create your results. It's not always quite as easy as that, but it is simple. So, how do you change your self concept? Honestly. And this is not an answer you all probably are going to love, but you honestly just have to decide to change it. And then you go to work on believing it every day. Sometimes this can be hard just because often with belief systems that come from childhood, there can be some trauma that's stored in your body, which can introduce another element of having to manage your nervous system responses. Or, you know, sitting with emotions can be really hard and challenging. And which can also make it difficult for you to rewire your thinking. So. There are some times a few other steps in there. And also belief systems that come from childhood, I've been with you for a really long time. So there's a lot of dismantling of some of those systems and stories to be done with someone who's trained to help with that sort of thing. Like me. So here are a few examples of self-concept let's just call them phrases that could be really helpful, you know, positive parts of a self-concept. I'm a person who's does what she says she's going to do. I follow through. I'm a person who doesn't quit when it gets hard. I'm a person who saves money. I'm a person who deserves to spend money on the things she wants. I'm a person who takes care of herself first so she has the energy to take care of the people who need her. I am a person who is kind and loving to my body. I'm a good friend. I'm a kind person. In my relationship, I share my feelings instead of avoiding conflict. I listen intently and respond with love instead of reacting impulsively. I'm someone who has a successful business. I'm not available for people who shame me. You get the idea. So these are the things that you want to believe about yourself and the way that you interact with your circumstances, other people and the world. Henry Ford said, whether you think you can or you can't you're right. And this is kind of what I'm getting at here. When you believe that you're not enough and you're stupid and you're fat and all the things like you can't get anything done and you never can accomplish anything. You're going to get more of that in your life. It's not going to get better. You have to consciously shift the way you think about yourself into something that's more helpful. And. Is, nurturing of yourself. So the self concept that I'm talking about is also related to the idea of your future self that I've talked about before on the podcast. Your future self is a version of you in the future that already has what you want now. So you have to be able to become that version of yourself in order to have the things that you want. You know, for example, if you're an entrepreneur and you want to have a million dollar business, You know, likely where you're at right now, if you're making$50,000 a year. Likely what you. R the knowledge you have, and what you're capable of right now has a little bit of work to do before you can have a million dollar business. So you have to become the person who can have a million dollar business along the way, right? There's a lot of learning and a lot of things a lot of tools you probably need to acquire before you can get there. So you can't just sit there and be the person in the now. And then, you know, a year later just happened upon a million dollar business. I mean, that's possible, of course anything's possible. But, the point is you have to grow and stretch yourself in order to be that person who has the million dollar business. So you have to be able to become the version of yourself that has it already. That's your work as being able to become that person who's grown and evolved and has that. And your self-concept, what you believe about yourself, create space for you to do that. You know, for you to evolve into that person who has what you want, if that makes sense. It's really important as you grow to, to continue to challenge yourself concept. Because you're always going to uncover new pieces of it that are incongruent or misaligned with who you are or what you want. And this work of, you know, creating yourself concept and sort of growing into it. Or even just creating it, it's supposed to be uncomfortable because you're challenging yourself to step out of a comfort zone and into a new way of being and thinking. That's unknown. Like, if you are somebody, if a lot of times people, when they'll think about their, their self-concept or, you know, what they want in their future. They'll they'll think, oh my gosh, that's scary. Who am I to think that like with the million dollar business example, So saying I want to have a million dollar business, or I'm a person that's capable of creating a million dollar business as part of my self-concept, that's scary. Right? So it doesn't necessarily feel super good to say that because it seems so far away. Right. Um, But that's where this whole possibility thing comes in too But it's supposed to be a little hard. It's supposed to be challenging to create your self concept, because the idea is that there are these things that you might think of yourself on a default level that you've grown up with. That you're now challenging yourself to drop. And that feels unsafe to your brain because it's unfamiliar. And I talk about this all the time too, but. To your brain, familiar equals safe. Your brain is really only wanting safe things. So it's going to freak out when you start to get into unfamiliar territory. And that's when your self-concept and managing your emotions and your nervous system comes in. Is to recognize your brain's freaking out only because it's not familiar. Say. Okay. Okay. That's okay. It's not familiar, but I'm, this is what I want to believe about myself. So creating yourself concept, you know, one that's helpful in moving you toward what you want is something that takes practice, though. You're not going to be able to just say I am this, or I believe that. And then boom, you're done. It's kind of like creating a new habit. You're trying to create new neural pathways in your brain. And like I said, there's a lot of baggage that we carry with us from childhood that we kind of have to undo. Untangle. So that we can move forward with this new self concept, this more helpful self-concept, which is really reflective of our true, authentic selves. Right. It's so cool. All this work is so related. It's so fun and so hard, but so fun. So here's something that I really like to do on the regular. And I'm going to talk about the belief list now. My favorite things. Actually I do this most mornings as part of my journaling practice. And when I meditate before I start my workday, I also practice feeling in my body what this self concept would feel like, like how thinking these things makes me feel. Remember, thoughts create feelings. I have a lot of my clients doing this exercise it's so, and it's been so helpful. But, um, some of them have separate notebooks just for this and or journals just for this and some, add it to their just regular journal. And you can do either one, but I recommend doing it daily. Seriously daily, because it keeps these thoughts front and center as you work to make thinking them a habit. And the list doesn't need to be long. You don't need to spend a long time doing it, but just the ideas just let it flow. Don't think super hard about it. Just let it come kind of from your soul and your heart, your intuition. So in your journal. What you're going to do at the top. I like to date it, of course, but right at the top, I believe..., or whatever. And then for as long as you want, you just write down all the things that you want to believe about yourself for the world or your life, all the things. It's important to note though, that you don't have to actually believe them right now, a hundred percent. These are things, and this is super important. Do not forget this. These are things that you'd like to believe. You want to believe these things about yourself, your life, your, you know, the world, whatever. So you can free write every day or you can rewrite the ones you wrote from the previous day too. I personally like to just free write and let it flow because sometimes new ones come up based on the experiences and the interactions that I've had. And that's it. That's really, it. I'd also recommend though, after writing your belief list too, to silently read over it, especially at first and just kind of pause after each entry. And just pay attention to how it feels emotionally and in your body when you think that thing like I'm someone who follows through. Or I'm somebody who's strong and resilient. Pause there. How does that feel in my body to say that? How does it feel emotionally to say that? Also side note emotions. Most people don't have a huge emotional vocabulary. So, um, go Google emotions, wheel or feelings wheel and grab yourself one of those. And it will help you a lot. I use those all the time with my, for myself and my clients and they help a lot. So go grab one of those. But yeah, just pause on each one and just sort of pay attention to how it makes you feel to think, you know, when you think about believing that, and you'll probably start to notice a pattern of you know, common feelings, both, both emotions and just physical feelings. You'll probably start to notice that there are certain ones that show up a lot. And then you can just spend time cultivating those feelings, which will summon up the thoughts. Remember think feel do. They're all related. And I'm going to tie this back to Rise the retreat experience. Also the live retreat experience. Um, self-concept is so much of what this work is, is really taking a look at the limiters that you have in your brain that tell you you're not good enough, or that you can't do this. You can't do that. Or that you're not this isn't you. You should be that. And that's a lot of what this work is in terms of removing a limit. So if you want to really look at that, but also have fun, relax, recharge, unwind, unplug, and have just, you know, make some new friends. You gotta come. You gotta come. Okay. So go visit kortneyrivard.com/retreats or, you know, if you want to skip all that, you can just email me kortney@kortneyrivard.com. Uh, we'll just hop on a call to chat and I can make sure you have all the, the rundown and make sure it's a good fit for you. We'll get you signed up and we'll see you on the 7th of September. Yay. Super excited. Okay. People, friends. Thanks for tuning in today and I will see you next week.