Real, Brave & Unstoppable

Ep 24: Are You on the Self-Help Hamster Wheel?

October 29, 2020 Kortney Rivard Episode 24
Real, Brave & Unstoppable
Ep 24: Are You on the Self-Help Hamster Wheel?
Show Notes Transcript

How many self-help books have you read?

How many courses and workshops have you taken?

If you're like me, and a very, very, large portion of the population, your answer is likely a lot. Have you ever noticed that no matter how much you read though, nothing really changes? 
You might glean some really great nuggets from a book, but that book that advertises you can change your life in "3 simple steps" doesn't really pan out for you.

Why IS that?

Listen to this week's episode about self-help, and while it can be really good, it's worthless if you don't actually take action.


Resources

Is Your Mind Stopping You from Getting What You Want in Life?
Take this quiz to find out!

Unf*@! Your Stuck: 21 Days to Turn Your I Can'ts into I Cans
If you're feeling stuck - like you are going through the motions of your days, want more from your life, and you know you need a change but aren't sure what or how, THIS IS THE PROGRAM FOR YOU!  In this program for new clients, you'll create a vision for your life (yes, you need one!) and create a plan to go for it.  You'll also get expert help on how to get out of your own way. 
Check it out HERE!

The Joy of Just BEING
In this episode, I refer to this article about being in the moment.  Check it out HERE!

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 Well, hello everyone. Welcome back to Real, Brave, and Unstoppable. 

[00:00:29]I hope your week has been good. For some reason, it feels like this week is the slowest week ever. It's only Thursday and it feels like I should just be starting a new week already. But it's gone really slow. So, I have a question for you. How many self-help books have you read? Chances are, if you're listening to this podcast, you're not new to the self-improvement self-help world. Right?

[00:00:54] I know I'm not, I started counting on my Kindle app and I just stopped at 20 and some of these I've never read. 

[00:01:01]Now I will say that I tend to have a lot of books that have been really helpful to me, but I know there are a lot of them that really haven't been, or I haven't really done the work that has been laid out for me in those books. And I've heard people talk about this. The self-help hamster wheel. And honestly, as a coach, a lot of my clients come to me after being stuck in that stuck on that hamster wheel are stuck in that cycle of self-help or personal growth books, courses, workshops, all that stuff. They just get to a certain point where they realize that, oh my gosh, I've spent a lot of money and a lot of time on these books, courses and workshops, but nothing's really changed. I'm still doing the same things. I'm still feeling the same way. 

[00:01:45] I'm still struggling with the same things. So, you know, the same patterns and behaviors, they still feel the same way about their lives. So, after talking with a lot of these women that I've coached that have come to the same conclusion, I started getting really curious about this. Like, why is this? Why if I have a problem that I want to solve, and I buy a book that's supposed to help me solve it, why don't I ever solve it? Why doesn't this help me? Why, why isn't it? The thing that finally helps me get to where I want to be. 

[00:02:14]I had my own hunches, but today I want to talk about that. So self-help and personal growth books can be really helpful in a lot of ways, but like where does that break down? When did they become more of a hindrance than a help?

[00:02:26] And also if you're a self-help junkie. I just want to just bring this to your awareness, like to ask yourself if you're consuming, self-help just to avoid addressing the real problems are doing the actual work or are you actually getting something out of them? Are you actually taking what you're learning and applying it to your life, because if you're not like you need to get off that hamster wheel so you can actually make some real progress or some real changes. 

[00:02:50] I know this the way I'm talking makes it sound like, I think there's something wrong with self-help. I do not believe that there's nothing inherently wrong with self-help.  personal development, all of that stuff. But the problem is that when you think you can solve the problems in your life, just by doing these external things differently, 

[00:03:10] that's when you fail to realize that things aren't going to change until you shift inside. Until you shift your mindset until you shift the way you feel about yourself.  That's where you're going to start seeing real change. 

So just a little bit of fun data for you about the personal growth or self-help industry. 

[00:03:32] You guys, it is huge. I went and looked through a bunch of articles, a bunch of sources online and reputable sources, but market research has reported that by 2022 this industry will have an estimated growth of 13.2 billion. Just to give you an idea of some of the big players in the space--Deepak Chopra, 

[00:03:55] His net worth is estimated to be about $150 million. That's a lot, obviously. In 2014, the top nine motivational speakers in the us combined earn $200 million a year. Since then, since 2014, six of them have passed away. So left are Brian Tracy, Dr. Laura, and Les Brown. The motivational speaking market as a whole is worth about 1 billion. 

[00:04:24] In 2019 self-help book sales reached 18.6 million and 2018 stats for audio books, 769 million. Top 10 best self-improvement apps in the U S have generated over 15 million since 2018, like Calm, Headspace, a lot of those types of things. And interestingly enough, the top three self-help topics don't actually include stress management, which is something you'd think would be at the top. 

[00:04:57] The top ones are confidence. Which makes up about 10.2%. Career or interview skills, switching careers, that kind of thing, 7.8%. And just motivation 7%. So that's interesting.

[00:05:12] Like I said before, I think that self-help personal growth books are really,  they can be really awesome and really helpful. It's just how you approach it. And so today I just want to talk a little bit about the, you know, what are the problems with it and how can we make them not problems? 

[00:05:29] But for me, I see a couple of things. But the first thing I don't like is - if you listen to this podcast or read my read about my work, follow me, you know that I am very passionate about finding your authentic self and being authentic, showing up in the world as the person that you are, really without apology and coming from a place of I am enough. 

So if I want to improve something, I'm coming from a place of I'm already enough, but I would like to do this.  You know, but in our culture, we're very obsessed with having more and being more. And so this concept that the more you have, the better you must be, is a very dangerous cycle. 

[00:06:12] And just society, like really feeds that. You know, you look at the fitness, beauty industry. Perfect example of that, but we're told that we can be more, we can have more, we can be better. We can always be improving. So, we chase these things, we chase happiness contentment and we chase piece. 

[00:06:31] But the thing that we forget is that those things, the things that we really are chasing are not found outside of ourselves. Those things are found inside. So, you know, we don't need things or money or different circumstances to really, really be happy. We really need to just lose that sense of self, like that ego, that, that form like Eckhart Tolle likes to say, if you listen to Eckhart Tolle at all, lose the form that we identify with and go deeper to connect with this formlessness or just the being that we are. 

[00:07:05] And that's getting pretty deep, but you know, we, we do a lot of times, we do forget to appreciate what we already have. Like I said, if you're coming from the space of being enough, like that's appreciating who you are. Already. It's okay to want to, you know, improve things or to reach a goal. Like those things are okay. But when you're coming at it from, I am chasing these things to make me happy. That's where we get in the problem. 

[00:07:36] But yeah, we get in this mentality that who we are and what we have is not enough. So, then we buy course after course and book after book, just trying to find this new you. We’re always looking outside instead of really just stopping to peel away the layers of ourselves and really getting to know what's inside and then just rebuilding from there. We tend to look for the magic bullet that's going to just fix everything and I've done it before…when I was going through my divorce. I can't even tell you. I was like grasping for, you know, Oh, that book. Oh, that book. Oh, that book. Oh, here's a course on how to be happy. I'm going to take that. This is going to be the thing. 

[00:08:15] And I'm not going to say I didn't get a lot out of those, but at the time, I was doing the work in some ways, but not with the actual self-help. I was doing work to feel better, but not - I was not taking those personal growth and self-help books and actually taking action on those things that I thought would make it, make everything better. 

[00:08:40] But it didn't. So, like I said before, I'm not saying that none of these books and courses weren't helpful, it's just, I learned is that the thing that is going to make the difference for you is the real actual hard work of changing something. You can't just read a book. And, you know, there's just no shortcut. There is just no shortcut. I can't say that enough times. 

[00:09:02] Self-help actually, when you think about it now, if you are a self-help or a personal growth consumer, I want you to think about this. Self-help can actually become kind of like a drug. So, you know, let's face it doing hard work is not always fun. It's work. So, people lose sight of the fact that in order to succeed or improve any area of your life, you actually have to do something. You have to change something. 

[00:09:28] And there isn't anything wrong with this advice out there for sure. But unless you actually do something with it, it's just entertainment. Right? So, if you've read something about how to change your life in three simple steps, it's probably going to cheer you up. Like it's this dopamine hit. You momentarily, you feel like you can do anything, and anything is possible. So, you have, now you have these tools to change, change everything. You're inspired. It's exciting. It's really great to think about how all you need is to do these simple steps and you'll be set. 

[00:09:58] It's so exciting that a lot of people just stop right there. You don't feel quite so miserable anymore. Or your problems might seem a little smaller  

[00:10:06] Or a little less insurmountable. So, you just kind of keep on doing what you're doing before. But then that hit doesn't last and a few days or a few weeks later, you're down again. So, you look for another fix. Well, that one didn't work. So, I'm going to find another book. This one looks good. 

[00:10:23] So you bury yourself in more websites and blogs and books and another course, another workshop. It can, it can really kind of be like crack. Improving yourself or working towards change or working towards success, getting healthier, all of these things, they can really suck at first or be really hard,

[00:10:42] you know, but reading a book is easy and it makes you feel better right away. Think about it. If you've ever tried to get in shape, start a fitness routine when you haven't really had a consistent routine before or if you're trying to lose weight… those initial weeks of building new habits,

[00:10:58] It's not easy. You have to really work hard. And a lot of times. You know, people just - We want things to change right away. You know, I always use weight loss as the example. If you have an amount of weight to lose, like, you know, 10 or 20 or 30 pounds - It feels like so much. And it feels like so discouraging. 

[00:11:22] Because it feels like you'll never get there, but what people forget is that while you're losing the weight, you're feeling better. All the time, a little bit better all the time. So it's this journey of, it's not linear. It's not like point a to point B. Boom. We're done. It's like all along the way, you're feeling a little bit better. And then, you know, you reach your goal and you feel even that much better because you reached the goal. But people forget that when you're doing hard work or when you're trying to make changes, it does take time. And just because it takes time, doesn't mean you're going to have to wait until the end to feel the results. 

[00:11:58] I'm one of those people who loves reading and planning and thinking. So, this is actually something that's very easy for me to fall into. It's really easy to get all these ideas. And then get excited about them. But when it comes to actually doing the legwork, it's like, okay, I've learned all I can now I'm bored. So, I'd rather pass that on to someone else, you know, not always, but sometimes it's something that I've had to work on, and I still do have to work on sometimes. 

[00:12:24] Most people don't really need advice on how to make their life better or how to be healthier or, you know, all that stuff. Most people kind of know what they need. But it's just a lot easier to keep thinking about it or planning or learning, reading than to actually confront the issue and just find that inner discipline to stick with it and get the results that you want. 

[00:12:50] This aim for constant and never-ending improvement also sends the message that we're never enough as we are. This is a message that we see everywhere. I mentioned the health and fitness, beauty industry. That's the perfect example that I can think of, but it really is everywhere. And like I said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to improve or reach a goal. It's just that, you know, at a certain point we really have to look inside and say, you know, I'm a pretty amazing human being. If I don't improve, I'm still enough. I would like to improve this because I want to. 

[00:13:24] It's a matter of where does your desire to improve something?  Does it come from I am not enough? So, in order to be worthy, I must be X or is it from a place of love and kindness towards yourself? Like I am worth this work so I'm going to do it for myself. 

[00:13:40] It's really hard to be happy when you're constantly given that message that you can always be better and more positive or more productive or have more, do more, be more. And you know, it's not only like, so we get that message from society, but then we take it on and then we tend to tell ourselves that too. 

[00:13:59] Another issue with self-help and self-improvement is that there's this tendency to think that if I follow these steps, my problem will be solved. But you have to also remember that the steps worked for that person and the context that they applied them, and your life is very different. And if you're not getting results, there's a possibility that you can actually end up feeling worse because you feel like, Oh, nothing works. I've tried all of these things, I've read all these books and nothing works. And for the people that don't do the work, or the people who just follow this book as gospel, there might be false hope. Maybe because they think they found the answer. Or they also might not seek out the professional help that they actually need to. 

[00:14:43 Another thing I want to say about the steps that worked for the, like the author in the context that they apply them to. You know, a lot of people, when they read these books, they take like, they take them very literally like if I do X, Y, and Z, I will have A, B, and C. But even if these steps worked for the author and a lot of other people,

[00:15:07] they might not work for you the same way. So, my point being, you can't just really read a book and follow the steps exactly like the book lays out and then just expect it to work because your life is, like I said, your life is different. And you might need to tweak things, but a lot of people, they don't really that again, that's part of the work is trying to figure out what works for you and how to tweak things and being gentle on yourself. When something doesn't work. 

[00:15:33] You know, 

[00:15:33] Tweaking it a little bit to fit your life. And then repeating, you know, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. 

[00:15:40] There's also a certain point where I, I saw this term in an article and I laughed. I love it. Self-optimization, fatigue becomes a real thing. I think I read that on a blog somewhere, but self-improvement is a really, it's a never ending process. Like you can never say, well, now I have realized my full potential. I am now the best version of myself that I can ever be. 

[00:16:05] I don't have to do anything else. There's not ever a point when anybody gets there. So, if we only feel good about ourselves, if we're striving or staying busy, moving, developing, perfecting, then you're never going to feel okay. Like you're always going to feel unworthy. And you can never say, you know, I'm enough. I'm valuable. I have a meaningful life. I am happy with where I am. 

[00:16:32] You know, I don't have to strive to become someone else over time. 

[00:16:35] That's what I think the key is actually is if you're trying to improve. So you can really come home to yourself to be more of who you were meant to be, rather than trying to become someone that you aren't or become less of who you are. Like, that's the differentiator. I mentioned authenticity at the beginning of this episode. And that's, I think really where it becomes is if you're coming at self-improvement from a place of, like I said, being more of who you're meant to be. 

[00:17:03]. That is what the goal should be for people is to be who you are. And feel good about who you are. 

[00:17:11] So, what do you do if all of this stuff is really resonating with you and you're recognizing that you're on this hamster wheel? That's a good thing because the first thing to do if you're on it is to recognize that you're on it. Okay. So, take stock of how deep you're in it. Some clues that you're in deep are you might spend a lot of money on books or workshops courses, 

[00:17:35] trying to learn a lot about yourself, how to get where you want to be, but you're really still in the same place you've always been. You repeat the same patterns. You know, things don't change. Maybe you buy books and you just, you don't read them. You're just always buying a book. It looks good. You buy it.  I am so guilty of this, I have so many books on my Kindle, you guys, that I have not read. It's like, it's more than I am, would like to even admit. 

[00:17:59] Or maybe you sign up for courses and you're, you know, you feel relieved that, Oh, this is what's going to help me. I found the answer. And then, you go through the motions,  you don't actually do the work. 

[00:18:10] This is where coaching comes in actually, is that, you know, people that tend - and actually this is more common than not - People tend to take in all this information, but they also don't always know how to implement it. And also staying accountable is something that people have a hard time with. So with coaching, that's a lot of work I do is, you know, we work on the meat of things and my client will go off and work on those things during the week. They have in-between session support through Voxer or email if they get stuck or have questions. And then during the next session, we really -  it's accountability. It's, it's really digging into the problems that came up and why they came up and how to overcome those. 

[00:18:54] So that's, that's the really great thing about coaching and how that’s like when people come to me after being on this hamster wheel, it's like, we can finally get them off of it. 

[00:19:06] Another clue is just always knowing the latest self-help or self-improvement trends being the first to jump on board. You know, stuff like that. But remember that in your quest to be happy in life, happiness as a side effect. It's not really something that you necessarily pursue directly. It's a side effect of something that brings you joy. 

[00:19:30] So if you're always chasing happiness, I think that's a really hard approach. And oftentimes something that gives you meaning or brings you joy is really something that you kind of discover and not something that you actually choose. And that's not always the case, but I think what I mean by that is,

[00:19:49] part of being happy to is to leave yourself open to things that come along because the things that actually might work for you and might help you feel happier and better about your life might not be things you thought. 

[00:20:02] So another thing to keep in mind if you're on this hamster wheel is to just try not to be so obsessed with happiness and finding it, finding what you need to do to be happy. Just practice being. I have an article on my blog about this, and I'll put it in the show notes, but just being able to be present in the now, because you know, it's really the only moment, you know, for sure that you have. 

[00:20:29] The past is gone; the future hasn't happened yet. So, you know, just be. And, try to find what you can in this NOW that you're grateful for, or what is working for you? 

[00:20:44] Like I mentioned earlier. A lot of people are really obsessed with finding happiness by doing more or having more. I used to be on that cycle. I'd feel like excited about buying something and I'd buy it and then I'd have it for a little while. And it's like, okay, well, what's the next thing?

[00:21:01] Remember that happiness is inside of you. You will not find it outside of you. That's why some of the people who have the most money in the world are the least happy or vice versa. I was listening to Oprah. I love Oprah, but I was listening to - I think it was the preface to, or forward to, Gary Zukav’s book, Seat of the Soul. I think that's where I saw it or heard it, but she was just talking about how, you know, I mean, obviously Oprah has a ton of money, right? 

[00:21:32] But she was talking about how she, when she buys something, she actually really thinks about whether or not this is something that's going to, she's actually going to enjoy, or if she's just buying it because she can.

[00:21:43] But the point with that is that, you know, she is somebody who has a lot of money and she talks about how that's not what makes her happy. That's not what's important to her. It's really nice, but I thought it was really neat to hear that from somebody who is worth a lot of money. 

[00:22:02] I also want to be really clear. And I've tried to say this a few times during this episode, but I am not anti-self-help book. Okay. So, you just, you just have to realize that no book, no workshop, no course. None of that is going to make things all better for you. You have to do the work. There's nobody that can do it for you. There are no shortcuts. You have to take notes, summarize key points. If there are questions or exercises, you have to do them. 

[00:22:27] Journal about what you're learning. Think about how you can take action, create a plan to implement these things into your life. You know you need to take the action and you also need to hold yourself accountable. If you fail to implement something like this is another piece of it, don't beat yourself up, adjust your plan, make it more realistic. 

[00:22:48] Think about -  how can you do just a little bit better? Atomic habits is a book, a self-help book (haha), that is a really great book about this. It's this concept of these small changes or level ups. It's a great book. If you haven't read it, check it out. It's really good. Also make sure that you celebrate the wins. I talk about this a lot, but I think people, they don't tend to celebrate the little wins. They tend to wait until the big goal is reached, but

[00:23:17] it's hard to keep up. It's hard to stay motivated when your goal - If it's taking a while and you, if that's what you're, if that's how you define success, only it's going to feel really discouraging. So, make sure you celebrate the little wins. You know, if you have a day where you did everything, how you planned, or you got all of your journaling done, or if you like, that's a win, like celebrate it, you know, not necessarily with like a Hawaiian vacation, but

[00:23:45] little things that are going to help you recognize that, Oh, I actually had some success. 

[00:23:50] Another thing too is to really take in what you're learning. The more you can sort of rephrase those things, the better you can really imprint the new information you've learned into your brain and actually live it. So, if you have friends that want to read the same book as you, or, you know, work on the same things, or if you can find a book club that's talking about. 

[00:24:10] a certain book that you're interested in implementing the advice from, it's really helpful when you can really talk about it. And, you know, it's like anything when you're studying for something, the more you can really make it a part of who you are. And a lot of times that means putting it into your own language. 

[00:24:31] So, yeah, you might wonder why as a coach, I'm talking about the drawbacks of self-help or self-improvement, and I just want to say though that as a coach, I help people take the action. So instead of just getting the dopamine hit of information and the hope that comes along with it, they're actually doing this work and putting what they're learning into practice. I teach them how to do that, then I can help them with the accountability piece too. Like I said before, I also teach them to

[00:24:56] hold themselves accountable so that when our coaching relationship has ended, they can handle all of this on their own. Books don't teach you how to do that. So now I'm gonna, just pop off of here and go read the five new self-help books I bought on how to get the off the self-help hamster wheel. Hahaha. That was supposed to be a joke. Anyway, before I go, I do just want to encourage you to hop on over to my website and I have a brand new quiz,  that that's on there that you can, you can just scroll down and you'll see a free quiz… 

[00:25:27] But the quiz we'll show you how your mindset might be holding you back from, you know, being happier, finding what you want or reaching your goals. It's kind of fun to see how you score. The link is in the show notes. And then when you get your results, there's some information on how to work on that mindset and how to overcome the things that hold you back. 

[00:25:50] And if you want to talk more about your experiences with self-help, I do free 20 minute sessions, and we can just chat about how this all applies to you.  If you are somebody who is into a lot of self-help and this resonated with you and you're like, yeah, I like to read self-help, but really nothing's changed,

[00:26:10] let's hop on a call. We’ll go over it. You can tell me what you've read and where your roadblocks seem to be. And we’ll see if we can troubleshoot that in 20 minutes. I'm happy to do that. No obligations at all. I just really love to help people. So, the link for that is in the show notes. I really hope to be able to chat with you. 

[00:26:26] So that's all for today, folks. I hope this has been helpful for you. I know a lot of people, like I said, including myself, really love self-help and love to read about all the ways that things can be better. And that's, like I said, not a bad thing necessarily. It's just how you approach it. 

[00:26:44] So I want you to first learn how to love yourself, how to accept yourself, how to really, really know that what you want to do is be more of who you are and not what the world thinks you should be. I hope that this was helpful. And I hope that you can kind of keep that in mind that that's the goal. 

[00:27:05] Find yourself. Be you. 

[00:27:07]Without apology.