Real, Brave & Unstoppable

Beating the Back to School Stress Cycle

September 01, 2020 Episode 16
Real, Brave & Unstoppable
Beating the Back to School Stress Cycle
Show Notes Transcript

Do you have back to school stress?

No doubt about it, school is DIFFERENT this year!  A lot of us are pretty stressed. 

How are we going to juggle the schedule if we work? Will the kids learn enough? How am I going to keep my child engaged in front of a computer screen for 6 hours a day?  If I"m sending them back in person, will they get sick? Will the school disinfect properly? How will they make the kids keep their masks on?

There is a lot of uncertainty around how this is going to go.

Uncertainty brings doubt and doubt brings fear.

And we don't like fear so much. 

But, what if fear was okay to feel? 

In this episode, I talk about why we're stressed about school this year and 6 things you can do to help you feel better about all of the "newness" and uncertainty that this school year is bringing to the table.

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Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to Real, Brave, and Unstoppable! It is almost September and I don't even know where the summer went. And I know that with school starting, I know that fear and stress, and just kind of wondering what the heck - how's this going to go is really running pretty rampant right now.

[00:00:40] So I thought I would do an episode today just about that and kind of how to navigate this new normal that we're all experiencing right now. Things are going to be very different this year.  I'm already noticing like last spring, my daughter, she's going into fifth grade, but last spring they'd have like one zoom call for barely an hour a day. And, I kind of wondered when they were talking about virtual learning this year, like, how is that going to work? How are they actually gonna learn enough to, I mean, she'll be going into middle school next year.   This year how will she learn enough to be ready for middle school?

[00:01:19] So then, you know, we learned a little bit more about the plan, and so it sounds like they're going to actually have a fairly normal length of the school day, all done online. So it seems it's like it should be a little better in that way, but we just don't really know how it's going to go. 

[00:01:38] So I was kind of curious about how many schools are going back virtually versus in person or a hybrid or whatever.

[00:01:45] And I found an article online. This data are taken from a study by a company called Burbio, which aggregates school and community calendars nationwide. And this study was from the beginning of August, so it's pretty recent. 

[00:02:01] Basically the article said that 52% of elementary and high schools and I'm not sure where middle schools fall. I don't know if those just weren't included it, or if they're lumped in with these, but 52% will be going back in virtual learning only. 25% will be attending in person every day.  19% are like some hybrid of the two. And then as of the beginning of August 2020, 4% of schools surveyed were undecided.

[00:02:34] So that breakdown, there's so much going on in there.  We have the people who, have kids that will be exclusively learning from home. Just the fears of, are they going to learn enough? Are they going to be well-enough prepared for next year? How, as a parent, if I work, how am I gonna do this? How is my kid going to handle being on the computer all day like that?  All of those sorts of things. 

[00:03:04] There are some statistics that I read in an article that was done by Deloitte, from earlier this summer. And the study was really about, it was really done for retailers, on what to expect for back to school shopping and stuff like that. But I thought it was interesting - one of the statistics that they talked about was that after last spring, most parents were pretty unimpressed with the learning and that's no surprise.

[00:03:31] I mean, the schools were really thrown for a loop and it's not really their fault. It's not the teachers' fault. Nobody knew what they were doing. We were all just figuring this out as we went. But I don't think I'm alone in feeling like, okay, that was just kind of a lost spring. I'm just curious how it really impacted kids’ learning. And I guess like when they do testing, it will be really interesting to see what kind of conclusions are drawn from that.  

[00:04:00] But 66% of parents, when talking about sending kids back to school and person, 66% of parents are really anxious about that in-person contact.

[00:04:13] Which, totally understandable there. So, you know, we not only have the fears of how is this going to work online, but we also have that, if you're sending your kid back to school in person, there's that fear of having them go in person and is the disinfecting process going to be adequate? How are they going to keep kids’ masks on? How is this all going to work? 

[00:04:36] And then is my child going to get sick? And what if they get sick? And all of these things, if you're a parent whose child is in one of those hybrid situations, then you're, you've got a really crazy schedule because you've got the online days, but then you've got the in-person days. So, you're having to manage that too. 

[00:04:54] Also, this is kind of a funny one, and I don't know if this resonates with anyone, but for me, I was kind of thrown off this summer about the back to school supply thing. I know it sounds really weird, but normally it's like this: okay. I have school supplies. We're ready for school or we've done school shopping for, you know, clothes and stuff like that like we're ready. We're ready to go. Yeah. 

[00:05:17] This year it was just kind of this, Oh, we have this online zoom back to school night to learn about what's going to happen. And then school starts on Monday, by the way.  It was just really weird. So, all of these things together, they just make this, just this very strange situation that feels a little unnerving.

[00:05:34] Not to mention the fact that these poor kiddos, they don't get to go play with their friends. And I think that's one of the hardest things I think for the kids, the social aspect of things. 

[00:05:46] But anyway, in today's episode, I just wanted to really talk a little bit about how we can manage this new normal. It's really going to be different.

[00:05:55] And it's kind of a little crazy, we're charting this new territory.  And I just want to talk about how, you know, it’s okay to feel stressed about this going into it.  And today I'm really gonna give you some things to think about to help you cope with the stress and the anxiety, the fear.

[00:06:14] So, first of all, I do want to really, no pun intended, stress that being stressed about the situation, feeling worried, uneasy, fearful about it is very normal and it's okay. You know, last year I think we were all kind of in a little shock about this, but we, we kind of dealt with it because I think that we all figured things would be back to normal by fall.

[00:06:37] I don't know... I'm speaking for myself and my small sample of, you know, my people, but I feel like we just kind of, you know, made it through and didn't really anticipate the stretching out so long. But now, we're really facing this reality that like, we don't know when it's getting back to normal. 

[00:06:55] As I mentioned before, we have the fears, What if my child doesn't learn enough? Or isn't well prepared? Or how do I keep them engaged on a computer screen for five, six hours a day?  Or if your kids are going back in person, are you scared they're going to get sick? Or, how are you, as a parent, going to juggle your own schedule?

[00:07:15] I know for me, that's a huge question and I am like, well, I'll figure it out, but it is, it is a little stressful to just have that different routine to figure out. So, this is all to say that there's just a lot, of uncertainty right now. And that causes fear and anxiety and stress, and it's totally normal.

[00:07:34] So give yourself that, accept that, or tell yourself, you know, it's okay. I'm stressed. I'm not going to beat myself up about that. Tell yourself that. When you step into a new "terrain", you're going to experience this uncertainty, but uncertainty is just a situation that you don't know how to handle...YET.

[00:07:54] So think about it that way. It's okay to have uncertainty. Life is uncertain. So, we're going to talk about a lot about that today, and we'll come back to this, but for now, just know that your stress is normal and it's likely caused by a fear of not knowing how things are going to go. And as someone wise once told me, you don't need to have the whole thing figured out to take the first step.

[00:08:16] All you need to do is just take the next, right step.

[00:08:21] So why are you even stressed? Like what is happening that is making you stress and worried, anxious, maybe even a little afraid? 

[00:08:30] Here's why - we get attached to the way we think is "normal". It's kind of like, and this is going to seem like kind of an extreme example, but I'm gonna use the example of my own.

[00:08:43] It's kind of like when I got divorced... and it's so traumatic to move forward because it's like the death of what was normal to me. So, I'm going to tell you this story really quick, but initially, when I split up from my ex, I could not let go of what I saw as a "normal family".

[00:09:07] And it was devastating to me. I had the hardest time moving beyond that. And somebody once told me, and I'm not even friends with her anymore, but she once told me there's no such thing as "normal".  Even if you look at someone that you think has a "normal life", or is a "normal family", that's just what you see on the outside. There's really no normal. So, in that situation for me, I was comparing where I was with what my benchmark for "normal" was, or what I labeled as "normal". And it was causing me so much pain. So that's a, that's a very extreme example in terms of like the emotions you experience, but it's a similar concept in that we're attaching to this way we think is "normal" for school.

[00:09:54] It has been the normal for forever, but now we're moving into this new normal. It's just, it's a change we're not used to. So, we need a perspective shift. You kind of need to let go of what you were, married to as normal before and move on and be like, well, this is something that is a new normal, and we don't know when we're going back to that previous normal, if we ever do, who knows?

[00:10:22] Another reason that you're stressed is the thoughts that you have about this situation are causing you to feel emotions that you're getting hooked by. You're going down the rabbit hole with them. You're so you are attached to this "normal", this way, and now it's changed, so you have these stories about it, these beliefs about it, that might be negative. And so you're getting hooked by those and then you’re letting them drive your emotions and those emotions are what can easily cause the stress, the worry, the anxiety, the fear. 

[00:11:00] And uncertainty is a huge, huge, huge, I mean, that's what it is, we don't know how this is going to work out. We don't know how we're going to handle the schedule. We don't know how the kids are going to adapt. We don't know this. We don't know that. We don't know what we're going to do in a week. We don't know what we're going to do in a month. We don't know what's going to happen in January when they start talking about going back to school in person. 

[00:11:19] It's all very uncertain and uncertainty for people, as I said earlier, when we step into this new terrain, things are very uncertain, and it causes us stress because we want to control it. We want to know the outcome, but uncertainty is like I said, it's just that situation. You don't know how to handle YET.

[00:11:40] And we have to let go. We have to start letting go of the control of that outcome. So dealing with that uncertainty, it just takes a little mindset work and some perspective shifting. And I'm going to help you with some tools today. That might help you with that perspective-shifting, training your mind, really. 

[00:12:00] I talk about mindset so much in my work and it's really the foundation for everything that I do.  You know, it's the foundation for achieving goals, for going after your dreams, for getting unstuck, for being authentic.  It's work that you have to do to propel yourself forward.

[00:12:19] So the first thing I want to talk about is just the concept of sitting with uncomfortable feelings. Nobody likes to feel stress or anxiety or fear or sadness or anger or frustration, or, you know, we've labeled these feelings as bad and we do everything we can to not feel them. We numb out with staying busy, being a perfectionist, other fear-based patterns.

[00:12:44] We drink alcohol, we eat, we exercise. We can't stay focused. There are a bajillion ways that as human beings, we've learned to numb ourselves out with and avoid feeling these uncomfortable feelings. 

[00:12:59] So what we need to do with mindset - with changing our perspective - or, you know, shifting our mindset, first of all, is just know that those uncomfortable feelings are not a bad thing, we've labeled them as bad, but it doesn't mean they have to be bad. They just ARE. They're just there. If you let them sit there and if you kind of let yourself feel them, they will go away and change to something different. 

[00:13:26] I talk a lot about impermanence in my work. Things never stay permanent. Things always change. Something is here one minute...it ebbs and flows. It's like things come, they go. They don't stay forever. So don't try to numb those feelings of the stress out, or fear, worry, anxiety by going into a perfectionist, I have to have it all figured out, mode or are any of these other - I'm not going to get into different fear patterns right now, - but, basically behaviors that you have because you're afraid or because you need that control.

[00:14:00] Remember, it's normal to feel stressed. It's very normal right now to feel stressed. The key is just not to get stuck in it. You know, don't beat yourself up for feeling stress, but just let it go, move, move through it, move forward, let it sit there, and feel it, but just move forward.  Remember everyone's in the same boat right now in terms of circumstances, so you're not alone.

[00:14:22] You know, you can lean on your village of people for ideas - like how are you handling this? I need help with this. Can you help me? Here's how I can help you. Yeah, let's collaborate. Let's help each other out. You're not alone. Everyone is in the same boat.  Everyone's situation might be a little different just based on if your kids are totally distanced learning, virtual learning or in person or a hybrid, you know, but we can all help each other out.

[00:14:50] This one is a super important one and I alluded to it a little earlier, but you do not have to have the whole thing figured out right now. You don't. You just don't. You just need to take things a step at a time. So, you need to know, you just need to take the next right step. It doesn't mean you can't plan, but you can plan without feeling the need to totally be in control.

[00:15:14] Because you're not really right now. If you feel like you're in control, it's totally an illusion. So, things will be okay. Even if you don't do them perfectly. So, make a plan and know that your plan might not be right the first time you might need to course correct, but that's okay. So, learn from it, tweak it, move forward.

[00:15:35]

[00:15:35] Okay. So, I talked about the concept of "normal" before. So one thing that will help you is if you really remember that there's no such thing as normal, You know, shift your perspective to that. Remember that we are navigating a new normal, and we're kind of writing the script as we go, but we all are at the same time.

[00:15:55] So just, you know, again, take comfort in the fact that everyone is figuring this out together.

[00:16:02] Reframing your thoughts is this is a larger, a meatier tip for you. If you've followed me for any length of time, you've heard me talk about choosing your thoughts, or the fact that you can actually choose what you'd like to think.  

[00:16:17] So here's an example with all of this being stressed about,  let's say as a mom if I'm stressed about how am I gonna figure out the routine and juggle my job and my kids and, the schedule I have to go to work...what do I do? 

[00:16:30] So, you can choose to put yourself into the space of This sucks. How am I going to juggle this? How am I going to make this work? This is so hard. It's impossible... to this is something new and it's not easy, but I will figure it out a day at a time, I will figure it out. And maybe add to that. I might figure it out perfectly, but I will figure it out.

[00:16:57] Also, along the same lines as choosing your thoughts, practicing gratitude. I talk about that. It's all the time and people are like, Oh, it's such a simple thing, but I promise you to practice gratitude, it just shifts your energy to somewhere that's more positive and helpful.  You know, look at the benefits in the situation. 

[00:17:18] Here's an example. Last spring when COVID hit and, so I'm a life coach, but I also have a day job. I do sales - I'm a sales manager for a local craft brewery. And a lot of that job is, being out in the field and stopping making sales calls with accounts.

[00:17:35] And when COVID hit, that kind of came to a screeching halt. So, I was doing my work from home, but I didn't have that driving time anymore, that commute. That enabled me to spend a couple more hours than I normally would have not had on my life coaching business, which is, I mean, I love my day job, but I love my life coaching business so much. It's like what really lights me up. 

[00:18:01] So that was really, when I thought about it, a benefit, even though when I started that time, I felt very cooped up and I was kind of going crazy, but when I could actually kind of step back and reframe it to like, wow if this wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have had this extra time to really start developing where I want this business of mine that I love to go

[00:18:24] Something really important for you and for your kiddos is to create a routine. And it's very important also to remember that this is going to be a work in progress as you navigate it. So, what I like to do is in the mornings, and you can do this in the evenings, or whatever works for you is to set an intention for your day.

[00:18:43] And make sure that you practice some self-care every day. I have a really great freebie that I'll put in the show notes you can download. It's a, just a daily, "good morning sunshine", it's called.  It's a worksheet that you go through and kind of set intentions for your day and all that good stuff.

[00:19:04] It's really a nice way to start your day.  And then just kind of have a rough plan of how this is going to go. Like with kids, it's really good to get them up at a certain time, get them dressed, brush their teeth. So, they're ready to go. Just like they would be if they're going to school in person.

[00:19:19] And maybe at lunch, you, if you're able to, if you're home with them, you can have a special time where you sit and have lunch for a half an hour or something together. If you're working and you're not able to do that, then trust that it's okay. And you don't need to do that to be a good mom.

[00:19:37] And also, I think it's really important to talk to your kids about it too. Because they're feeling funny about it too. Kids aren't always able to articulate what's going on in their brains emotionally, but you know, just let them talk about things. And are they afraid of anything? Are they worried about anything? Do they have what they need? How are they feeling about the online classes? Is it hard for them to sit for that long at a time? Or you can just talk to them, let them talk about it.  I really like with my daughter to do like a gratitude jar or things I like about me jar or things that were good about today, list jar, whatever.

[00:20:15] And, she kind of rolls her eyes at me about it, but I think it's really great for kids to just learn, to focus on those positive things. And try to get them outside for a walk or to just breathe in some fresh air, get some exercise just to kind of keep that part of their, their brain going too.

[00:20:30] So, to kind of sum things up today. Yes. This is a weird time. But it's weird for everyone. You are not alone. 

[00:20:40] So these are the things to summarize that I think will help you. 

[00:20:45] So, first of all, just know that this stress is normal and it's okay, but don't let it get you stuck. Don't stay stuck in it. Just, you know, accept that you're stressed, acknowledge it, and move through it, move forward. Even if it doesn't go away, just keep moving forward, and eventually, it'll get better. 

[00:21:08] Two. We're finding our way into this new normal, and it's not going to happen overnight. So be very patient with yourself as you figure it out. 

[00:21:17] Three, take things one step at a time. Remember you don't have to have it all figured out right now. All you need to do is take the next right step. So, keep that in mind, you don't have to have the whole thing figured out and you don't have to do it perfectly. 

[00:21:34] Four.  Practice self-care, self-compassion, and create a routine, not only for your family but for your own self-care as well. And you can download that freebie I talked about in the link in the show notes. Okay. 

[00:21:47] Five. Work on reframing those thoughts. Your mind is such a powerful thing and you don't need to go down the rabbit hole with unhelpful thoughts and emotions. You can reframe them to look at the good in the situation, or even just re reframe your thoughts so they're a little bit more positive. 

[00:22:06] And six. Talk to your kids about it too. And let them know all of this is going to work out and you're all, we're all in this together. We're all figuring it out together. It's all going to be good. 

[00:22:15] So. Before we go, I have a really great resource. If you feel like you could use some help navigating all of this, my Clarity Kickstart program is for you.

[00:22:25] If you'd like some help going from a place of overwhelm to, I've got this! From feelings of needing to have it all figured out and executed perfectly,  <ahem...side effects, stress, and inauthenticity!> to feeling relaxed and confident that you've got this, knowing that there's no such thing as perfect for anyone to feeling like you are kicking ass in the moment with lower stress levels because you weren't worrying about what's going to happen in two weeks, two months or two years from now... 

[00:22:53] it's an intro coaching program for new clients.

[00:22:56] And by taking advantage of this offer, I will help you figure out all of the things that are keeping you stuck in fear and stress, and together we'll create an action plan for you to move forward. You'll find your brave and learn how to move forward with confidence and less stressed. Even when you're uncertain.

[00:23:13] When you leave this program, you will have an action plan of the top three things that you can do right now to start working towards a place of more ease and peace in all of this. So, you can go to kortneyrivard.com/claritykickstart [[link is in the show notes]] to learn more and also feel free to shoot me an email at kortney@kortneyrivard.com with any questions at all. I'll always respond personally if you shoot me an email. Happy to chat through this with you, but go check it out. 

[00:23:42] It's an awesome program. It's super affordable. And honestly, even if it's not, even if you don't need help with this particular situation navigating the school year, there's not anyone this program won't help. 

[00:23:56] Basically the takeaway is whatever it is that is holding you back right now in your life, we come up with the three most important things to get you unstuck.  So, check it out. kortneyrivard.com/claritykickstart.

[00:24:10] And thank you so much for tuning in you guys. Good luck with your first week of school. Do these things I talked about here. Shoot me an email. If you have any questions, check out that clarity kickstart, and I will see you next time.