How To Embrace Your Strengths AND Your Weaknesses

In this episode, I talk about Gretchen Rubin's 4 Tendencies. 
Learn a little bit about each of the 4 Tendencies and the pros and cons to each. 

We all have strengths AND weaknesses, and typically we want to keep what we deem bad and get rid of what we don't like.  Life doesn't work that way.  Learn why it's important to look at your weaknesses, or the things about yourself that you don't like and try not to separate them into good vs. bad.

You can take the 4 Tendencies Quiz on Gretchen Rubin's web site:  quiz.gretchenrubin.com

Work on your mindset skills and sign up for my FREE webinar:  Mastering Your Mindset: Stop Doubting Yourself and Start Living a Kick-Ass Life

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Reach out to me with questions!

Transcript

 Episode 11: How to Embrace Your Strengths AND Your Weaknesses

Hey there, friends and happy last week of July to you. If you're listening to this episode down the road, I'm recording this in July of 2020, and it's really hard to believe that the summer is more than half over with. 

[00:00:43] So today I'm going to be talking about something called the four tendencies, and it's basically one of those personality tests, like Enneagram or Strengths Finder, Myers-Briggs all that kind of stuff, except it's a little bit simpler. And what it's designed to do is sort of open your eyes up to how you handle expectations. 

[00:01:08] The four tendencies was developed by Gretchen Rubin, who you may have heard of her. 

[00:01:13] She wrote the book, the happiness project, which is a fun book to read… If you haven't read it already. 

[00:01:19] And the reason why I'm talking about the four tendencies today is not necessarily to talk about the actual test itself or the results, which I'm going to too, but I have a point with it. And the reason why I'm talking about it is that we all tend to feel, I think a lot, a lot of us anyway, tend to feel like the grass is greener on the other side.

[00:01:44] And there are things about ourselves that we really wish were different. And I think we're all this way a little bit, but we want to keep all that good stuff, and, you know, just swap out the bad so it's all good. And obviously, that's just not how life works, but you know, how would it feel instead if we were to just get to know our weaknesses and just kind of make friends with them and just, you know, they're there like Superman, like we all have these superpowers, but we all have our kryptonite too.

[00:02:15] And it's just the way we all are. So, my point with talking about the four tendencies today is to really you know, like these quizzes or these personality tests, I think they’re helpful in understanding yourself, as these tests can help us kind of, you know, based on the test, (obviously, they're not always true, true a hundred percent), but based on what we learn from these quizzes and stuff, we can just kind of say, Hey, yeah, that kind of does seem like me.

[00:02:46] And you can start to kind of understand yourself a little bit better. And I guess I just really want to shine a light on the fact that like everybody has strengths and everyone has weaknesses too. And it's how we put them together. It's how we capitalize on our strengths, but we also really get to know and work with our weaknesses.

[00:03:06] It really makes us just a unique total package. And I think it's so amazing that we're all so different. And if we could all just kind of embrace the whole package, that'd be so awesome. Like, you know, we all have so much to offer each other and I think we get so busy worrying about what things we don't like about ourselves and the things we want to change.

[00:03:28] And, you know, I feel like in the last several years, yes, kind of, I used to be a very big perfectionist. The perfectionist side of me made me really unhappy in a lot of ways.

[00:03:40] And I kind of learned to look at myself differently and I try to let my whole being kind of entertain myself. And I look at myself with the things that I maybe screw up and maybe not so great about myself as like, I just look at myself as this normal human being, just like we all are. We all have these flaws and amazing things too, but I guess I've gotten to the point where I can kind of laugh off the stuff that I don't think is so ideal and it just creates this different energy about your whole person.

[00:04:21] If we all could kind of get there and just really embrace the whole person we'd be so much happier. 

So let's get into this. as I mentioned, one of the cool things about knowing your tendency is that you can really see what is propelling you forward, but also helps shine the light on what’s keeping you stuck.

[00:04:45] And in my work with clients, we talk a lot about these things, obviously since I help propel my clients forward and do things, you know, do the things they're afraid to do. We talk a lot about what things help and what things hinder them in working towards their goals and their dreams. So, first of all, if you're curious about which tendency you are, you can go and take the quiz at quiz.gretchenrubin.com

[00:05:14] And I will put that link in the show notes, but here we go. 

[00:05:21] The first one is called the upholder and the quote that defines the upholder is “I do what others expect of me and what I expect for myself.” So, upholders are really good at meeting all the expectations. They may meet their own internal expectations and also meet the outer ones.

[00:05:43] They avoid making mistakes. They avoid letting people down, including themselves. They're very self-sufficient. They make they're very good at meeting deadlines. They’re motivated by getting the gold star or the checkmark of the to-do list. They really like to know the expectations and then meet them.

[00:06:02] So they're rule followers. They tend to be self-starters and, but they also have a strong instinct for self-preservation, which helps them stay out of burnout.

[00:06:15] So, you know, as you can imagine, these traits are good in some situations and not so good in other situations, but some of the pros are that upholders tend to be really reliable. They're always going to meet their commitments. They’re very self-directed. They hit deadlines and may even finish early.

[00:06:33] They're really pretty good or have an easy time at creating new habits, keeping the good ones. They find habits gratifying, but some things where they might struggle or some, some things that might be considered cons or less desirable is they really do need like a very clear expectation or like, you know, the rules kind of thing. And so if they're not real clear, they sort of struggle. They’re also compelled to meet any expectations. So even the ones that are kind of pointless... so they can sometimes I ended up doing a lot of busywork.

[00:07:12]  As I said, they're rule followers so they can feel very uneasy if they know they're not observing rules or if they're asked to change their course at the last minute change plans. Other people might find them very rigid because of that rule-following aspect. And they're also very driven, relentless even, which can be tiring to some people.

[00:07:36] and they're just very driven by that gold star. So, I think sometimes they can be a little inflexible.

[00:07:44] The next one is, is the questioner. And the quote that defines the questioner is “I do what I think is best. According to my judgment, if it doesn't make sense, I won't do it.”

[00:07:58] Questioners will meet all the expectations. And they'll follow through, but only if they, it makes sense to them. So, in that case, like essentially they're always meeting their own inner expectations if they deem them worthy of going after. But the outer expectations, If they make sense, then they become their inner expectations. So, it's either always just meeting their internal expectations, but motivated by reason and logic, like what needs to get done today. They resist doing anything that seems to not have a purpose. They love to research, and are very intellectual and intellectually engaged.

[00:08:43] And like I said, if there's a sufficient basis for an expectation, they'll follow it.  But if it seems arbitrary, inefficient, or ineffective, they're not in. They tend to take direction only from people they respect, which can be problematic sometimes.  And ironically, questioners hate being questioned, which can also be a con kind of, if somebody questions you, it's like, well, wait a minute – you don't like you don't like to be questioned, but yet you're asking me all these questions because questioners like to have all the information. Sometimes people can be overwhelmed just by that. Like, why do they need to keep researching this? Why do they need to justify it so hard? , and you know, sometimes as you can imagine, too, that constant questioning, especially if it's like to a boss or someone, you know, that you're reporting to, it can seem disrespectful or defiant or not like a team player kind of thing.

[00:09:48] Analysis paralysis can be one thing too, just cause they’re so into learning and they want to justify with research… that can be a tough thing. Breaking habits can be hard and, funny enough in Gretchen Rubin’s video on this… (If you go to her website, there's, you'll hear a lot of the stuff I'm talking about.

[00:10:13] Like, you know, repeated on in her videos of what the description of each tendency is), but she said the questioners don't like waiting in line. They have a weird thing about waiting in line and I happen to be a questioner. And I laughed when I heard that because I totally have a thing about waiting in lines.

[00:10:33] I once told my boyfriend or I tell people all the time, actually, the only line I will ever wait in is if I have the chance to meet Dave Grohl From the Foo Fighters. That's the only line I'll ever wait in if I have a choice. 

Okay. So, the next one is the rebel. The quote that defines the rebel is “I do what I want in my own way. If you try to make me do something, even if I try to make myself do something, I'm less likely to do it.”

So, these people just go against the grain and they resist all the expectations they want to do with it. They want to do it. And they also resist putting expectations on themselves too. They're a little bit more like, you know, they don't like to schedule the kind of like to do what feels good in the moment.

[00:11:19] They’re motivated by just what they want in the moment. They tend to resist control, even self-control sometimes. So, they tend to be a lot of fun. They're rule breakers. They think outside the box, can be very creative, they're very authentic people, self-determination. They're very in touch with what they want, but frustrate others, as you can imagine, because it's hard to ask them to do something or tell them to do something. They're not usually persuaded by the traditional arguments like,  “well, people are counting on you” or “you, you said you do it”, or “this is the deadline”, ”or everyone has to do this”. They’re likely going to want to do the opposite and sometimes rebels even frustrate themselves.  They also don't really respond super well to supervision or advice or direction reminders, nagging. They really prefer spontaneity in their life and don't love repetitive tasks. So, if you're friends with a rebel, you want to be very careful about offering advice or you don't you want to be careful that you don't accidentally trigger that need to go the opposite direction.

[00:12:36] And finally we have the obliger, which is “I do what I have to do. I don't want to let others down, but I may let myself down.”  The obliger is kind of the opposite of the questioner because the obliger is someone who struggles to meet the inner expectations, but is always going to meet the outer ones.

[00:12:59] So they're motivated by external accountability, deadlines, consequences, like late fees, the fear of letting other people down. They're like a, what MUST I do today? Their must-do list is going to be long.  And they even need accountability for things they want to do. I think I have a little bit of an obliger in me too, because say if I wanted to run 26.2 miles, I'm not going to do it on my own.

[00:13:29] I need to sign up for a marathon for external accountability. That's how I'm going to get there. Although I don't know that I'd really want to run 26.2 miles a day if I wasn't actually doing a marathon like a race... So it's kind of a weird example, but yeah, another one that Gretchen uses is:  if you want to read more, sign up for a book club.

[00:13:49] Obligers really excel at meeting those external demands and deadlines and responsibilities. They make really great colleagues and friends.   They tend to be people-pleasers, so can sometimes really be susceptible to burn out because they have trouble setting boundaries or saying no to things.

[00:14:08] They also have a tough time forming habits because of the accountability factor. Like they just really need a lot of external accountability even for their own internal expectations. And the key for that is just creating those systems to have that accountability in place. 

[00:14:25] So as you can see, after I have described those four different tendencies, you can take a look at how I kind of talked about all of them and they were like, really the same traits. But each trait kind of was like, there are a plus and a minus to that trait.  I'm actually a questioner if I believe the quiz, I think I also have several traits from the other tendencies as well.

[00:14:47] So I think it is really important to remember as you listen to those and take the quiz is that you really are going to be a combination of these, but you just typically have like one dominant tendency.  But I mentioned the funniest thing I think about being a questioner is what she says about the waiting in line thing.

[00:15:06] So funny, I hate amusement parks because I don't like to go - I love the roller coasters - but I don't like to wait in line, like for the big rides an hour or more, I'm not doing that. Disney World freaks me out because. Even with that fast pass - I've never done the fast pass, but I just have like memories of waiting in line, like an hour plus for a ride.

[00:15:28] And it's done in like two minutes. I just don't have time for that. I won't wait in line for concert tickets, unless, as I said, it's, if I have the chance to meet Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. Yes. I'm down. Otherwise probably not. But just to recap the questioner, cause I'm going to use this as an example.

[00:15:50] So the questioner just questions everything, does things only if they're going to make sense, meets the inner expectations, not necessarily the outer expectations. 

So I'm not always good at meeting inner expectations, and when I think about it, I definitely don't 100%  go for, you know, the external expectations.

[00:16:11] If I don't believe in them, I guess where I have to do something, like I kind of do what I have to do and let the rest go. Like, I'm smart about it. I love research and information to the point that I totally can get analysis paralysis because I always want to have more info. And I totally, if I totally get into this, when I write, like I want to do all the research.

[00:16:35] And I have a hard time stopping and being like, okay, now I'm ready to write this piece.  I'm motivated by the WHY I want something, and the WHY has to be really good. Like, you know, I was trying to lose some weight and every day I would write down why I wanted to lose weight.

[00:16:53] And some days if I had a WHY that really nailed my real reason, it was much easier for me to follow my plan and stuff. And I've talked about that WHY before on my show and on my blog - having a good WHY and how that is so key to sticking to something.

[00:17:13] So I just, I'm going to talk about my interpretation of some of the superpowers that my type the questioner has. And then some of the things that are like, you know, to put it in Superman terms, the kryptonite side of things, and you can do this with your own tendency. 

[00:17:33] I tend to be able to self-preserve because I can set boundaries. Cause I'm good at looking at all the data and saying, okay, this makes sense. I'll do it. Or this doesn't make sense. I'm not doing that. I definitely have a thirst for learning. And I'm always learning new things, which I think opens me up to a lot of opportunities.

[00:17:55] And this also exposes me to things that I decided like I want to do or try or go after, or I have a lot of interesting unique experiences because of that.  Also, because as I look at things like what has to get done, I tend to work smarter, not harder. Now, that has not always been the case!

[00:18:18] I'll talk about this again in a minute, but I'm a recovering perfectionist. And I used to be like, how much can I get done today? All of it needs to get done! But I'm not like that anymore. I tend to be like, okay, what has to get done and what can wait? I definitely "work smarter, not harder".

[00:18:36] And sometimes I fall back into that perfectionist way, but I have really changed in that way. That's another really good point too. Is that just because you're a certain tendency right now doesn't mean that, that you won't change over time.

[00:18:51] Once I buy into an expectation, I'm very self-directed. I don't need supervision. I can just go. My decisions about meeting an expectation are always backed by reasoning and logic and data. And even if I'm not a hundred percent consciously aware of it, I think that the level of hard work that I put into something, it definitely is reflected by how I feel about the expectation. And like I said, that's not always a conscious thing, which is kind of funny. You can always count on me that I've done my research before I do some things. So that's another good thing. And I'm also drawn to creating systems that are very efficient and effective.

[00:19:34] I like to have processes. I like to have workflows so everyone can really focus on the work. And there's not a lot of time-wasting. So, of course, as I said, there are definitely negatives to some of these things, because I always need and want so much information. It is hard for me to know when to stop the research.

[00:19:54] Because I just always feel like I find it another nugget, which leads me to another one. I'm like, Oh, there must be more so I can really eat up a lot of time. And part of that too is my perfectionist tendencies that I've worked through a lot of. Perfectionists - they have a hard time, like stopping because they're trying to perfect one more thing. So that's maybe a little bit of that's left, but it's kind of hard for me to know when to stop. Cause I just want one more thing. I want to get like one ounce smarter. I don't know how you actually measure smartness, haha. Also, it's fairly easy for me to question internal expectations to the point where I can justify that they're not worthwhile.

[00:20:39] Like maybe for example, like maybe there's an internal expectation I have for myself that doesn't really feel that good or it's not fun or I'm not really excited about doing it. Then it probably doesn't take a lot for me to justify this not worthwhile, which is not, that's not as good of a thing, obviously.

[00:20:59], and like I said, it does kind of play into the perfectionist personality, that, you know, there are always those little residuals left. I call myself a recovering perfectionist. I'm not a cured perfectionist because I think there will always be little pieces of that that are still there.

[00:21:16] But yeah, I think that you know, needing the information, wanting to look smart, stuff like that, kind of, it does feed into that perfectionist-oriented personality,

[00:21:29] if there are unanswered questions too, like, I do have a hard time, just accepting closure.  Like with writing  I've gotten so much better about it, but it takes me a little bit to say, okay, that's it no more. I have to kind of set a deadline for myself. Okay. You have half an hour to research this or whatever it is.

[00:21:47] But otherwise, I will waste so much time. It's kind of like when you get on Facebook and you scroll through it and pretty soon you're like, Oh my God, I just wasted two hours. For me, that happens when I'm researching something. Also sometimes, as I mentioned earlier,  if I'm questioning something and someone's picking up that I'm really questioning what they're asking me to do and then start asking me questions back…I don't love to be questioned back. It's sort of perks my defenses up. That can frustrate people, obviously, that makes sense. We all need to look at what those tendencies are and how can we really use those to our advantage.

[00:22:29] And I think for me in switching careers, into coaching, I can really tap into that desire to learn and teach. I love that it makes me so happy and, in the process, I really want to impact other people's lives. And for me, the expectations that I set for myself with my business and my learning and stuff like that are so worthwhile that I do enjoy it.

[00:22:57] And I really do go after it to be able to meet those expectations that I put on myself.  I mentioned all of that research, you know, that's, for me, it's really key to impose some limits on myself. And as far as, you know, struggling to accept closure and stuff like that,  that's one thing that if I'm not aware of it, it can hold me back. And that's another key with this, you guys -  is just being aware of the things and it's not even like, you need to fix them necessarily. Everyone's tendencies, whether or not you're super dominant in one, or you kind of have a mixture of a few, there's always pieces of everything that are an advantage and a disadvantage. And so, as I said, I can use a lot of these things to my advantage. 

[00:23:45] You know, there's definitely a shadow side to everything that we do. And that we are, we just need to learn how to embrace all of it. So, I've been talking a lot about Pema Chodron. Who's one of my favorite writers lately. Last week's podcast I did was about just quotes from her books. And right now, I'm reading her book

[00:24:06] Welcoming the unwelcome. And there's a chapter in there called “Just As It Is”. And she talks about just sitting with all of this, with our thoughts or feelings or perceptions, and just letting everything be just as it is without labeling it good or bad, or, you know, just being with it. And the same thing applies to each of us, our, you know, our traits and our personalities.

[00:24:34] If we can just let it be what it is and sit with it. So in this book, she shares a quote by someone by the Anam Thubten Rinpoche - and I have no idea if I'm pronouncing that correctly at all – on the path of non-rejection and his teachings tell us not to reject anything about ourselves and embrace all the aspects as the same.

[00:25:01] So, this is really why I wanted to talk about, about these four tendencies today is because my point with it is to say that look okay, no matter who you are and what personality traits you have, you can just learn that they're all the same. They're not good and bad because each trait has a good and a bad side, but you know, they are just there.

[00:25:22] They balance each other out. They're just there.

[00:25:25] So there's a quote that Pema has in the book by this person, and the quote is “all flaws that exist are part of us. They begin to heal on their own when we accept them as they are, they can be fertilizer for our inner growth, recognizing this without denying or maneuvering around them is the key point.”

[00:25:51] It's brave to acknowledge our flaws. And it's not about indulging and feelings of shame or guilt. It's not about hiding anything from your awareness. And I think this is so cool, important to work towards, you know, like I said, at the beginning of this podcast,  we all want to keep the good and throw out the bad.

[00:26:13] And that's just not how things work. You're always going to have things that are your kryptonite that hold you back in some way. But instead of hanging on to not liking them, what if you were to just sit with all of it and recognize it, that even sometimes the things you view as strengths can be weaknesses and even the things that are weaknesses can sometimes be your strengths.

[00:26:36] We do tend to divide things in half, like the good and the bad. And if we can remember that our experience is complete just as it is, or that you are complete just as you are, you can catch yourself as you begin to degrade that experience into this against that, or me against you mentality.

[00:26:58] So my goal with today was like I said, to really shine, a light on this concept that your personality, the traits that you have, your strengths, your weaknesses are just part of a whole, that makes you an amazingly unique person. And so, I just would encourage you to next time you start to complain about something you don't like about yourself,

[00:27:25] Try to stop and notice that and see if you can't say, “okay. Well, I don't like that about myself. That's just a story I have in my head. It doesn't need to be true. I can think of some new thoughts that are a little more helpful. So, let's see how I can turn this around and let's see if there's anything positive I can come up with about the thing that I'm really not liking right now.:

[00:27:50] Try to stop splitting things into this is good. This is bad. What if things were just kind of in a gray area where, okay, this is good in some ways good and bad. And some I could take it or leave it. I think that's a lot more helpful to start thinking that way. So, I challenge you to do that.

[00:28:12] And I think writing down your thoughts helps a lot. Journaling. Putting pen to paper, or if you're like me typing into an online journal, like Day One, which I love, and I am not getting any kickback for that. I just love that journal app. Journaling helps you a lot. So, if you like to journal, I do have some free journal prompts on my website: www.kortneyrivard.com.

[00:28:35] You can just go there and enter your email and I email it to you and you can spend some time with 26 amazing journal prompts that will help you really get stuff out of your brain.  Just the act of journaling and putting that stuff, getting it out of your brain, whether it's on this stuff that I talked about today, or, you know, whatever it might be is really helpful in just bringing awareness to your thoughts. And that my friend, is where the magic happens. 

Okay. So before I go, I want to share a very important thing with you.  I am hosting a free webinar coming up in August and it's called Mastering Your Mindset: Stop Doubting Yourself and Start Living a Kick-ass Life. 

[00:29:21] The webinar is obviously about mindset, and in it, you're going to learn what are some of the traits of having an abundance mindset or a success mindset, a growth mindset, what some of those traits are, versus those of like, fixed mindset or a scarcity mindset. And why you should care.

[00:29:45] Basically, the work that I do with my clients is really, like this, this podcast is called real, brave and unstoppable, and that's really my mission with my work is to help my clients really find who they truly are at their core, help them find their brave so they can be unstoppable. And so that's what this mindset webinar is geared towards.

[00:30:11] It's geared towards learning how to change your thinking so that you are keeping yourself open to possibilities. How to change your thinking so that you view your life as something that you can create? Whatever you want in your life - what's possible for you is pretty much limitless. So this, this webinar is going to be great. I'm going to teach you some really great strategies, you're going to learn some really great things that you can put in to practice in your life so you can find your brave and become unstoppable. 

[00:30:49] Thank you guys for tuning in today. I hope this information was helpful to you. I think that taking the four tendencies quiz on Gretchen Rubin's website is kind of fun. So, I would encourage you to go do that and see which one you are and see which things, which traits you think you can work on, and what parts of those tendencies are helpful for you. Which ones are holding you back in some way? It's really eye-opening. And if you approach it from that way, Oh, this is how I am. And a lot of it's really good. But the stuff that I don't think is good…

[00:31:29] What is the other side of that? Like, how can I use that to my advantage? Or how can I just work on it so I can get to know it really well, but how can I work with it? So I encourage you to do that and as always feel free to reach out to me at kortney@kortneyrivard.com...  Shoot me an email and tell me a little bit about yourself… and I will see you next time.