Ep 93: Great Things Never Came from Comfort Zones

In this episode, I talk about how we all live within the confines of a "box", (aka your comfort zone) to some degree and how you can't live a truly exquisite life unless you're willing to do some work to step out of the box.

In this episode you'll learn:

• what the box is made of and why it exists
• why it's so hard to step outside of it
• why it's absolutely necessary to step outside of your box to have the life you really want
• about the role of the "bridge" and how bridges help us say "yes" to a new way of being, beckoning us outside of our comfortable boxes.

Learn more about Kortney at www.kortneyrivard.com

Transcript

0:51

Hello, and welcome back to real, brave and unstoppable. This is episode number 93. It's the last week of June. We are rolling into the 4th of July weekend. I don't know about you. I'm excited for some fireworks. Some watermelon, all the fun things. I don't know how this, the summer is already going so fast. But it is, and it always does. So here we are. So this week on the podcast, and actually this is the last episode of season two. I'm going to take about a month off and I'll be back at sometime in August with brand new topics for season three. But today for this last episode of season two, where we've been talking a lot about rebuilding life and kind of where to start and things that get in your way. I'm going to talk about one of the biggest things that gets in your way, and that's your love of your comfort zone. We're going to talk about your comfort zone and what it's costing you to stay there. And, some things to think about. Um, to be able to step outside of it and, you know, make some changes for, for big growth. So this week, actually, it's it's. It's tonight. I'm holding a free workshop on how to create the life you want. So all the stuff I've been talking about all season. We're, we're talking about kind of breaking that down. And actually, if you're listening to this on the date, this podcast airs initially Thursday, June 30th, the workshop starts at 7:00 PM Eastern. So if you're listening before that time, you still do have a tiny bit of time to sign up. So do me a favor right now and hit pause. And go to bit.ly/thelifeyouwant-workshop to register. You can also go click the link in the show notes. That might be easier. So back on track, there are a few big things that keep people stuck, living a life where they feel like they're just surviving or existing, you know, a life that isn't exactly what they want to be living. And some of those things are: they're overwhelmed with where to even start. They don't know what they want, which is super common. And also they're way too comfortable in their comfort zone. Even though it isn't where they really want to be it just leaving it seems too scary. So in this workshop tonight, we're talking about these big obstacles and you're actually going to get a chance to work through some fun exercises that are going to help you take action. And make some progress forward so living the life that you want feels a little more accessible. I like to call this kind of workshop. a possibility workshop because you're going to leave with a little inspiration that there might be something else that's possible for you that you haven't considered before or believed it was possible before. So it's really, a pretty cool thing that I'm offering for free. But today I want to dive into the comfort zone aspect of things. So to give you a little context of today's topic, though. I love Oracle decks. And tarot. And if you're not familiar, stick with me, it might sound weird. Or maybe you've heard of them before, or like tarot just brings images of like palm readers and ladies with crystal balls into your brain. But just open your mind for just a minute, because they're kind of fun. Remember I'm a former engineer and engineer types love data and things that are proven by science. Right. So if I can have an open mind about these things and have fun with them, anyone can. So anyway, back on track, Oracle decks are a tool for self-reflection and they can be added to your spiritual practice or just use them for fun. And there's similar to tarot, if you know anything about tarot, but they have fewer rules for the imagery and then like the meanings of each card. There are tons of different Oracle decks. I have a collection of my own. And usually each deck has its own theme. So it's basically a deck of cards and you'll just randomly pull a card. And then usually there's a guide book with it that will give you like insight into the card. Like I said, there are a lot of fun. And if this interests you at all, just Google it to learn more or feel free to reach out to me as well. But I'm basically like, I don't know if you're somebody who likes, you know, page a day things where there's like a little inspirational message or, you know, if you, if you like that kind of thing, oracle cards are great because they kind of help you tap into your intuition. Like for me sometimes. If I'm not clear on something and I'll pull a card and it will, it never fails. It's like exactly the right card that I needed. Like it just hits something. It hit on something in my intuition that brought it, brought something to the surface, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. That helped me kind of like gain a different insight into something. And I have several decks and one that I'm really enjoying lately is called the wild unknown archetypes deck by Kim Krans. If you want to check that out. The reason that I was inspired to talk about oracle cards this week is, and it's related to this comfort zone idea. But last week I pulled two different cards in the same reading. And they were incredibly crazy related. And it was so funny to me, like I said, this always happens. It always happens. It never fails. You pull a card that is like perfect for that moment. It just, it always happens. But anyway, it was. Crazy that I pulled these two cards, these two particular cards, because they're so related this workshop that I'm doing, and I've really been pouring a lot of my energy into promoting it and you know, getting people to it because it's going to be so helpful. So the first card that I pulled was the box and on it is, it's just a picture of concentric boxes, essentially with like a light in the middle. And, the box is like your comfort zone. And in some way. All of us. We all live within the confines of a box. The box represents everything that is known, expected, anticipated. It's really our illusion of safety, safe, a safe place protection from the unknown. And the second card I pulled was the bridge. And the reason why this is so crazy is because the bridge is really like our way out of the box. And incidentally, this is so much of what I'm talking about in my work right now and what I'm really helping people with in this workshop that I'm doing tonight and also my upcoming September retreat. Which I will talk about at the workshop. So today I'm going to talk about the comfort of the box. Why it's an illusion. What it's all about and how we can consciously start building bridges to another realm within ourselves. So let's talk about the box first. So the box, our comfort zone, it's everything, like I said, it's everything that's familiar, known, accepted, anticipated. To us it feels safe. When we're in our box we don't feel like anything unexpected can swoop in and rock our boat. Uh, like I said, it's an illusion. It's is just an illusion. But it seems very real. And very true. At the same time the box holds us in this safe place. It also holds us back from our biggest visions and our biggest dreams. The box whispers that is just way too scary outside there. That's outside of here and it's not worth risking what's outside for the dreams and the hopes that we have just not worth it. Stay small, stay safe. The box. The, you know, the walls of the box are made up of things like, you know, expectations, parents, partners, friends, coworkers, bosses. Societal constructs, you know, the"shoulds" that we place on ourselves. The limiting beliefs we have cause us to put those"shoulds" in place. Maybe it's a well-paying, but soul sucking job that you just quote can't leave. The pressure or maybe the, maybe it's the pressure to be like, other people to look or behave a certain way. Or maybe it's just the pressure to stay small because of your internal belief systems. So the box has a benefit. Safety. But it also has a lot of costs. And if you're familiar with your own box or your own comfort zone, you know that it is pretty costly. So I'm going to give you an example. When I was going through my divorce, and this was after I got through the worst, like emotional part of it and was really in the parts of like rebuilding, putting it back together. I felt really stuck. And in fact, I just wrote about this in one of my newsletters. But I quit my engineering career to be a mom and I was also a photographer, but my main job was to be a mom. So when my ex left, I was really scared about how it was going to make money, to support myself. My comfort zone was in being a mom and the thought of having to go back to, engineering, like super technical career, obviously, or climb any sort of corporate ladder was terrifying. But I didn't really have a choice because being a lifetime stay-at-home mom. Slash photographer, that option really wasn't on the table. You know, and staying in the box, it felt safe, but also cost me so many opportunities. It costs me being like truly happy and feeling alive. Joyful loving my life. It also really costs me my belief in myself. You know, meeting other people who would maybe be key relationships in my life. The box can cost you money, friends, adventure, new experiences, joy, passion, feeling alive. It can keep you on the hamster wheel or living, you know, Groundhog day over and over and over again. And it can keep you from really feeding your soul. Giving yourself what you need to feel alive. It can keep you trapped in the same routine for as long as you believe the box is truly your safe haven. The box costs us our purpose. Living out our purpose. Our visions. Our dreams and it costs you your magic. The box just holds us back and so many ways. But. The box also has a benefit. That when we don't really stop to think about it. The benefits pretty big, and it is the illusion of safety and security. It's protection from the unknown. But it truly is an illusion because you never really know what's going to happen inside the box, right. You think you do. Because it's all familiar, but I was in a box when I was married. Things were pretty good. I had a good life, but I was definitely in a box that I was afraid to leave. I felt a little stagnant, a little hamster wheel. Like, you know, even though I was for the most part happy. You know, I thought I was safe and then I found out my ex is gay. So in theory, the box should have protected me from that. Right. Here's the thing about the box. It doesn't really do that. And here's the other thing about the box it's insidious. There are so many layers to the box. It's built of layer on layer of social constructs and pressures that are fueled by belief systems. And to break through the layers of the box requires a lot of awareness, persistence-- and we'll talk about that in a minute. And a lot of courage. So no matter who you are, there's a box around you right now. Made up of some type of confining thought. And right now I invite you to take a minute to just reflect on that question. Like what, what does your box look like? What sorts of thoughts are holding you back from what you really want in your life? It's an important thing to think about and to, to become aware of. The other thing to know too, is that the box changes as we grow. Once you break through one layer, it's, it's a layered box. Like it's just like a cardboard box. There are many layers of it. You can peel, you know, paper off and there's more. And then there's that corrugated center. And then you just keep, yeah. Lots of layers. So, you know, once you break through one, there'll be another one and then another one and another one. So you need to really keep your eye on the prize and keep going. Keep breaking through layer after layer, after layer. because, you know, you can't have the life you really want, if you're not willing to do that. You just really can't. And you're probably thinking, well, yeah, that sounds really great, but how do I do that? How do I get out of the box? Well, first of all, I just want you to really, really really let this sink in the box is not where the magic happens. So, if you want magic in your life, the box is not where you want to stay. But on a practical level, as I said, awareness of what those confining thoughts and belief systems are, is really the first thing. And then you work on dismantling them piece by piece. And this actually takes a lot of courage and the willingness to feel uncomfortable. Because a lot of those belief systems and thoughts you have, you know, they're protective and it, and it's called your comfort zone for a reason, even though they're kind of shitty, they make you feel safe. Right. So in order to take them down, you have to be willing to feel a little unsafe, right? So the box can seem really complicated. That's part of the hook, right? It's like when you sense, there's so much complication to it. It's just easier to stay in it. I'll give you an example. A friend of mine thought about going back to work after her kids were a little older. But it seemed like every time she found a job posting that seemed interesting. She'd read through all the qualifications and convince herself that she didn't have any of them. So she wouldn't apply and I've done the same thing too. Where, you know, when people post qualifications, it's like a lot of them are like nice to have, and there are certain people that will just apply and be like, well, you know, they, they really play up their strengths to like, you know, fit the qualifications. But, my friend was just like, oh no, I don't have that. I don't have that. I don't have that. I don't have that. So she would, she just wouldn't apply. Or for some of the posting she'd apply, but she'd do like a totally half-assed cover letter or something else that wasn't really putting her best foot forward. And she was ultimately afraid of getting out of her comfort zone. You know, even though she really wanted a change, cause things felt a little routine and stagnant, her fear of like, what if I can't do this? What if I'm not good enough? It caused her to sabotage herself. And when we were talking, we realized she actually had this underlying, I'm not smart enough story that was keeping her from really going for it. She was afraid she'd get a job and then realized she wasn't really cut out for it. And her self- sabotage was really a subconscious protective measure to just keep her in her box. So she really needed to look at her I'm not smart enough story and go to work on all the reasons that she is smart enough. She needed to go to work on her belief in herself. And that would mean diving into all the reasons she believed her story of not smart enough until she got to a point where she could really shift her energy into one, a belief possibility. Courage and trust in herself. And. Great segue. That is the bridge. So bridges are built to connect two worlds. My favorite image of this is, I don't know if you're a Marvel fan, but Thor, the bifrost that connects Asgard and Midgard-earth. Anyway, I'm getting off track, but, bridges are built to connect two worlds. They create flow and they allow us to travel between things like ways of being, mindsets, beliefs. And stepping onto a bridge is like a gesture of acceptance. It's like you're saying yes to something new rather than shrinking back and saying no, or staying in your box. So when you cross a bridge into a place that you don't know, you're entering this new reality, and you're opening yourself up to something that is"other" than you've been experiencing until now. And in this new place, you can open yourself up to being curious and learning all about the new place. Right? And that's, if we choose to open ourselves to do that. If we choose to cross it, we are giving that gesture of acceptance. Hey, I'm willing to entertain this. Might be, you know, worth being here. And I want to offer that life is really about building bridges. None of us really wants to stay small in, in the box. And we've all built plenty of bridges in our lives. Some are easier than others. Like in my example above, my friend had the awareness that she wasn't getting any job offers. And with my help, she became aware that she was afraid of getting a job offer. And that awareness was like poking a hole in the box and then stepping outside of that box layer, you know, and we identified her I'm not smart enough story. She needed a bridge to get to a different place. So building the bridge for her, it was about trust and courage. It was about doing the work of looking at why she had the I'm not smart enough story and all the reasons why that story isn't true. And it was about going to work, hard, on believing all of the reasons that she is smart enough and she can hack it. And it was also about shifting her energy to a place of belief and possibility expansiveness. Courage and trusting. And I mentioned the word expansiveness. Crossing the bridge is expansive. It says, Hey, I'm opening up a little here. I'm curious about what's on the other side. And I'd like to check it out. So, whether you stay on the other side is totally up to you. And you know, sometimes it's too scary and we kind of go back, it takes us a few tries. You know, and sometimes we discover that bridge isn't for us. That's okay. But you know, whether you stay on the other side of the bridge is up to you. You'll always find a new layer of the box too. Nothing has gone wrong if that happens, when that happens. That's just what human that's just, what being human is all about. So many people make their fear mean that they shouldn't try to get out of the box. If I'm afraid, it must not be good. But that's like living your life with blinders on, and you're never going to love your life. If you live at like that. Life is 50 50 half of it is great. And half of it isn't so great. And in the interest of not talking in black and white, because I don't advocate that, there's all kinds of stuff in between. Right. That's just a simple way of saying it that it's not all daisies and rainbows. But that's how it's supposed to be. Yet so many of us make it mean something's wrong when things don't feel good. So we stay in the box and we never practice our bridge building skills. But. You have to know this. You have to build bridges to live an amazing, exquisite, epic life. It is 1000% required. Life is really magic. If you let it be. Even when it sucks, there is magic in it. But as I always tell my kids, inside of your box or your comfort zone is not, not, not, not, not, not where the magic happens. And they, so, so, so, so, so hate that. Most people actually hate that saying because it's a lot easier to stay inside of the box, even if it does kind of suck. So the final thing I want to say is that life is really all about transitions. If we stayed the same without any change at all, life would be really frustrating and boring. Humans are wired to crave growth and growth brings transitions. Right?, So by nature of a transition when you're going from one thing to another, you're building a bridge from one thing to the other. Bridges of,"yes. I'd like to enter this realm now". And sometimes those bridges are voluntarily built. And sometimes they're started for you without you asking. Example: my divorce. But transitions are all about building those bridges from one place to another. And when you cross the bridge, you're leaving something behind. Yes, but you're also gaining something too. And I think that we all need to start getting really curious about what's on the other side of the bridges, we're afraid to cross. Rather than letting our fear keep us small in the box. So that is the question I want to leave with you. Well, two questions. I want to leave with you today. What is your box look like? What kind of confining thought keeps you playing small? And the second thing is, what do you think is really on the other side of the bridge that you're afraid to cross? What would happen if you could get curious about that and give the possibility that it will be amazing equal airtime to what you're afraid of. Okay. So before I go. If you didn't listen to me at the beginning of this episode, if you didn't pause and go register for the workshop. If you're listening to this on Thursday, June 30th, before 7:00 PM Eastern, you still have time to register for how to create the life you want. Where we're going to be talking about a lot of this stuff, and also working through some exercises that will actually help you take steps to cross those bridges. And I will also share with you all about my upcoming September retreat. So, go to bit.ly/thelifeyouwant-workshop. Register for that and I will see you tonight. And one more thing. Don't forget. This is the last episode of season two. So I will be back in August with a brand new season and throughout July, you can go back and catch up on all the episodes you haven't listened to it before, because there are 92 other episodes for you to get through. All right. My friends, I hope this was helpful. Have a great day and I will see you next season.