Ups and Downs - Getting Through the Seasons of Life

Life isn't meant to be rainbows and unicorns all the time.  We can't know happiness without sadness, right?

Sometimes, life ticks along and everything feels like its firing on all cylinders, things are clicking and feeling good!  And then sometimes... well... it just doesn't.

What do we do when we lose our mojo?  What do we do when we feel like things are just not clicking and we feel like our mindset is in the toilet?

A few things.

We tell ourselves that nothing is permanent.  The amazing times don't last and neither do the crappy ones.  So we lean in and feel the discomfort.  We feel the feelings and know that they won't last.

We get up and do the things we aren't really excited about doing, like get off the couch when we feel like sleeping.   Like having a difficult conversation or being seen when we're afraid.

We also work on our mindset through thought work.  We journal about our feelings. We take care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, moving and doing nice things for ourselves like take baths, read books, listen to calming music.  We treat ourselves like we'd treat someone that we love - nurturing ourselves as we climb out of this valley and onto the next peak. 

Life ebbs and flows; waxes and wanes.  That is the nature of life.  Trust in the process and listen to this episode for more!

Resources

Unf*!@ Your Stuck: 21 Days to Turn Your "I Can't" into "I Can"

FREE Journal Prompts at KortneyRivard.com

Real, Brave & Unstoppable Facebook Group

Schedule a FREE virtual coffee chat!

Blog article: Feeling the Feels

Transcript

Ups and Downs - Getting Through the Seasons of Life

Well hey there, friends and welcome to real brave and unstoppable. This is episode number 21. And it's crazy that it's October when I'm recording this. I can't believe how fast this year is going. It's probably a good thing given what 2020 has been so far.  The weather is finally, it finally has that fall chill in the air, which I'm actually not totally nuts about because I really love summer and I'm really missing my days by the pool on the weekends and paddle boarding on the Lake. Oh, well, pretty soon it'll be Christmas.  

So yeah, a couple of housekeeping things before we get started today, I’m working on a couple of workshops.  first of all, a webinar on staying mindful and stress-free during the holidays. I think we could probably all use a little bit of that in this time of the year.

[00:01:11] So, it’ll take place before Thanksgiving. The date is TBD, but just be sure you're on my email list so you're the first to know the details.

[00:01:19] Just head on over to kortneyrivard.com and the link is in the show notes as well. You can download some pretty awesome free journal prompts too. And that will get you on the VIP list.

[00:01:32] And to that end, I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I had another workshop in the works, a workshop on art journaling. So, my mom, who's a very talented artist,  she and I are working on something really cool to bring your way. So again, make sure you are on my email list so you are the first to know about those details. 

[00:01:52] Next. And finally, did you know that I have a Facebook group called real brave and unstoppable? As a coach, I help my clients who feel overwhelmed, stuck, and want more from their lives, get clear on what they want in life. And I help them find confidence, and courage to reach their dreams and goals so they can live a life that they're excited about. 

[00:02:14] So in the group, we talk about all things, how to make your life amazing. I would love it if you'd come on over and join us there, you can search for the group in Facebook, or you can click the link in the show notes. Okay. Now without further ado, let's get into this week's episode. 

[00:02:36] Today I want to talk a little bit about just sort of the different ups and downs that,  different seasons in life…  I know in my life there have been times where I felt like things are really firing on all cylinders. Like everything is really clicking. 

[00:02:50] I feel a lot of energy and zest for life. I feel like just really good and then it kind of wanes. So, I feel a little bit less amazing and things don't really feel like they're clicking as well. I sometimes kind of feel like my mojo is missing. Sometimes I find my thoughts and my mindset are kind of in the toilet. 

[00:03:09] I might even feel restless or, maybe some discontent. 

[00:03:13] So, yeah. I want to talk a little bit about those seasons of life, where you've landed in a place where you just don't feel quite as great. This kind of thing can happen in all areas of our lives. And it can be just one part at a time or several parts at a time can be affected.

[00:03:33] Relationships can be a common one where you just don't feel so connected anymore and kind of brings you down a little bit, cause you're not really sure what to do. Maybe you and your partner at great at communicating. So, it kind of exacerbates things a little bit. 

[00:03:49] Or just energy levels for one reason or another. Like you find yourself tired all the time. I know this is something that I go through periodically.  you know, just feeling low energy and kind of wondering, asking myself, why am I so tired? I'm getting plenty of sleep and I'm so tired.  You know, maybe you're going through a little depression or you have a lot of stress you're not eating properly or you're not sleeping. 

[00:04:11] And those things can be related to something else too.  Or maybe just self-esteem like, you've been, maybe you've been working hard towards something and you just feel stuck. Like you can't get any further. And that makes you feel like you know about, about yourself. And it starts to really kind of screw with your mind. Those are just some examples of where you might go from feeling pretty good to maybe not so good. 

[00:04:33] But you know, it's normal and very expected for life to kind of ebb and flow like this.  And it's really important to remember that when you're feeling like you've lost your mojo. We're always being challenged to grow and to learn. I was watching a show on Netflix. I forget the name of it, but it's coaches that share their, you know, rules for life. And the one with US women's soccer coach, Jill Ellis,

[00:05:01] she said in that episode that the air at the top of the mountain is thin for a reason: we're not supposed to stay there. I really loved that quote. I hadn't ever heard it before, but I loved it because you know, there are always ups and downs in life, those peaks and valleys. And just because we emerge victorious and reached the top of one, it doesn't mean there aren't any more challenges in store for us in our lives. 

[00:05:25] No one has a life of all ups as we know. Without the valleys, the peaks wouldn't really seem as extraordinary. And you know, we can't really experience joy without pain or happiness without sadness. The height of your happiness can only be measured by the depth of your sadness. It's a very comparative thing. 

[00:05:47] So what happens when we get into this mode of feeling like we've lost our spark or mojo?  What happens when we feel like we're dipping into one of these valleys in life. It's really easy to be afraid of the valleys. And a lot of us are, you know, we resist those icky feelings and label them as bad. 

[00:06:07] It's really common to try to avoid them. No one likes to feel bad. Or we hope that we can hide from them, maybe just hoping things will get better and that we can just step out from behind the curtain when they are better. Depression is a really good example of that. Like I've been through that. And of course, a lot of people have, but when depression was at its worst for me, when my ex and I were divorcing,

[00:06:31] I would lie on the couch or in bed just feeling so much pain, so terrible.  I couldn't bring myself to do like anything. I just wanted to kind of hibernate until it was safe for me to come out and things were all better. But, like I said before, like we can't really know joy or the “better” without pain or sadness or, you know, the “worst”. So, in order to experience extreme joy, one also must've experienced like extreme sadness. Like I said before, it's like a comparative thing. 

[00:07:07] And some people will just kind of live in the middle, really never experiencing either extreme, but it's kind of that gray zone. I think that's where a lot of times I know, I feel like if I'm having a season of kinda blah feeling that’s kind of where I am, these, you know, if I'm in that spot without a real crisis happening. 

[00:07:30] I kind of just feel like a shade of “greige”. Where there's really not a lot of sadness, but there's really not a lot of, extremely joyous moments either.  And that's a fine place to be once in a while, but like I personally, I don't want to live my life like that. So, I'm willing to experience the tough times

[00:07:52] in exchange for having some really amazing times too. You know, you're kind of robbing yourself of some really amazing moments if you hide out in that, that gray zone. And that's, you know, that's not really, really living and that's not what we're here for. That's not what we're called to do. You do have that choice to just kind of live in the gray zone and take what comes your way. 

[00:08:17] But you also have the choice to find courage and move through these seasons that aren't as much fun, knowing that it's just one stretch along your journey. 

So that all sounds really great. Right. But like, how do we do that? Million-dollar question. First of all, you know, you've got to learn to lean into the discomfort. And I talk about this a lot in my work. 

[00:08:42] Just leaning in. Really feeling the uncomfortable things, uncomfortable feelings. What does that exactly mean? It means to just sit with it. Sit with it. Don't resist it. Don't try to push those feelings away. Just let yourself feel all the feelings and get curious about them. See how they come and how they go. 

[00:09:06] I wrote a really great blog post - I think it was great (laughs) - about feeling your feelings and I'll include the link in the show notes too, but I would encourage you to go read that as well. It has a little bit more in depth about this kind of thing. But during my divorce, I had a really hard time regulating my emotions and tolerating the really like “negative” ones. And I really had to learn how to sit with them. I was not good at that at all. I just couldn't do it.  

[00:09:36] I would do things that were not very healthy to try to avoid those feelings. 

[00:09:40] And a therapist told me at one point that feelings are like waves. A wave might get really intense. But then it subsides and then another one will come along and then the same thing. Over and over it, nothing is permanent. And that also goes for the good things too. So, I really try to live by that that nothing is permanent. 

[00:10:04] That kind of helps me stay in the moment, stay present, because I know that those times that are really, really amazing, they're not going to last forever. And then on the flip side, when I have those times that are really, when they feel really shitty, I know those aren't going to last forever, too. 

[00:10:23] In the times where I really feel like I've lost my mojo. I just kind of try to hang in there. Knowing it's not forever. And doing the things I need to do to just get to the other side. 

[00:10:35] Self-awareness is something that is really key. To being able to sit with the discomfort of the feelings of the uncomfortable feelings. 

[00:10:47] A lot of us, aren't super self-aware because our brain is in like 50 gazillion places at one time. And we aren't really present in our lives. So just taking some time to connect with yourself through meditating. Journaling is really great. I did an episode a couple of weeks ago on a journaling. I believe that's episode number 19. 

[00:11:09] Or even just stopping to ask yourself how you feel in this moment. And you can take that a step further and really try to pinpoint where you feel the feelings in your body. Where do they show up? What do they feel like? Like, is it a tight chest? Is it butterflies in your stomach? Is your heart racing? 

[00:11:29] Do you have a headache? Do you have sweaty palms?  You know, you just, just really listen to your body and see if you can locate that. When you can really stop and observe the, you have those feelings and get curious while also remembering that they're temporary, they will have way less power over you. 

[00:11:48] So, you know, and remember it's okay to feel, blah, it doesn't last forever. 

[00:11:54] We also have to do things that we don't want to do sometimes. Like I mentioned, the depression example.  We have to sometimes do the things that were resisting. Because that's what pushes us to grow. It's what pushes us to get to the other side of something. You know, things don't just get better around us. We get better. And then we're able to handle the things around us better. 

[00:12:19] So you can practice this by doing something every day that you don't want to do.  It really helps strengthen that muscle of discipline. I use the example of when I was going through my divorce earlier. And there were some days I seriously could not bring myself to get off the couch. I would just lay there and just cry. And

[00:12:37] I felt awful. And at a certain point, when I kind of realized that this was not helping me, 

[00:12:44]I realized I was going to have to get up and do something, even if I didn't want to, even if it meant I ended up back on the couch, I really needed to just take that step to move because by moving, I was making myself just a little bit better. And I was equipping myself just a tiny bit more to get through it. 

[00:13:03] And that can apply to so many things. If you look at the relationship example, you know, doing something that you don't want to do might mean having a difficult conversation. 

[00:13:13] Or with the self-esteem example, I gave, if you're feeling like you've been working towards something and you're stuck. You know, doing something that you don't want to do might mean putting yourself out there to be visible in front of someone, even if you feel like you're not necessarily good enough in your mind. 

[00:13:35] we all talk about self-awareness and tolerating emotions and stuff like that. But what's the practical way to actually do these things? When you're in a place where your feelings are getting you down and really interfering with your mindset. Well, first of all, I do just want to say that there are a lot of ways to get through feelings that feel bad by distracting yourself. And there's a time for that, but there is also a lot of value in not distracting yourself and really letting yourself feel those feelings very fully. 

[00:14:07] In this case, I'd recommend journaling or talking it out with yourself. If you're in the car. Or, I mean, hey, if you're in the grocery store, that could be a little embarrassing. I've done that before. Or doing some thought work. Which I'll talk about in a minute. 

[00:14:25] So in terms of really though allowing yourself to feel the feelings I mentioned earlier, that it's a good practice to locate the feeling in your body. Describe it and name it. Like I feel a tightening in my chest and my heart is racing. I think it's anxiety and I'm anxious about whatever. Then just sit with it and get curious about it. Like, hey anxiety, this is what you feel like. Cause sometimes we're not always very good about identifying the emotions that we're feeling. 

[00:14:54] You know, Hey anxiety. Oh, I recognize you. This is what you feel like. You're not my favorite emotion. Hm. But then just kind of journal about that experience. And if you don't like journaling, go back and listen to episode. I believe it's number 19 on journaling because you really just need to try journaling. There's a lot of different ways to do it. So, go listen to that episode. 

[00:15:16] Or if your thoughts are really getting in your way. Another thing that I like to do is a brain dump of all the thoughts in my head. Like all of them. Then realize. That we operate on this think feel, do loop. So, your thoughts determine how you feel and then how you feel determines what you do. So, if you can learn to identify the thoughts that aren't helpful,

[00:15:42] you can work on deciding to think something different that's more helpful. So, here's an example. So, let's say you and your partner, haven't been intimate for several weeks and it's leading you to think things like I'm not sexy. There must be someone else. I didn't sign up for this. I wanted more. Maybe I should just leave. There must be someone better for me out there. I'm not pretty enough for him. 

[00:16:06] I must be too fat. I dunno like the thoughts spiral can keep going. Right. So, because of all those thoughts, you start to feel really stressed because you don't really know what to do. And you feel very uncertain about your relationship. Maybe you feel guilty for thinking that or you feel undesirable or not good enough. 

[00:16:26] You feel anxious. So, all of this uncertainty and not good-enoughness is brewing and you're out with your friends one night and this hot guy approaches you and makes you feel all of those things that your relationship isn't making you feel anymore. And so, you cheat on your partner. Ah, so how could you have changed this? 

[00:16:46] Your thoughts? Maybe. What could you think instead? Like maybe I should talk to him and see what's up. Maybe something's wrong. Maybe he needs something from me. Maybe we should have a therapy session. Okay. So those thoughts are going to lead you to a different emotion.  you might still feel some of those things you felt with the other thoughts, but it's going to be from

[00:17:07] a very different place. You know, those thoughts lead you to some curiosity and you're probably feeling a little bit unsettled still, but it sets your energy in this different place. Now you're not feeling as insecure and unsexy when that hot guy at the bar hits on you. So, you stand your ground and go back to figure things out with your partner, because you're just in that different head space. 

[00:17:28] So that thought work is powerful. I mean, it is super powerful. And the moment that you realize that you, you literally can choose what you want to think - It doesn't mean it's easy, but you can choose every thought that you think. That's a mind-blowing game-changer. 

[00:17:51] Okay. So, you can also meditate to observe your feelings. A lot of people say, Oh, I can't meditate. I'm so bad at it. Cause I can't stop thinking. That's okay. Thoughts will pop up while you're meditating and you just, your job is to just let them be there. Use your meditation time to just allow all of it to be there and don't judge any of it. 

[00:18:13] So when a thought comes in, it just means you don't go down the rabbit hole with the thought, you let it be there. You don't say, Oh God, I'm having this thought. That's so bad. You just, it's more like, Oh, That's what I'm thinking. Huh? All right. Let it go. Another, one's gonna pop in your head. 

[00:18:31] Oh, that's funny that thought's there. Okay. I'm going to let it go. You know, it's just, you don't have to not think anything. It's human nature to think things, but the trick is that you don't just jump on the thoughts, spiral, train to wherever. 

[00:18:49] There's an exercise. I really like, that's a meditative exercise. So, if you picture your thoughts as they pop into your head and like their leaves floating on a stream. The leaves, which are the thoughts land on the stream. And then they just float away. I mean, you can even picture like your thought written on the leaf with a Sharpie. 

[00:19:08] But, as they float away, you just let go of them. This also works with clouds to the clouds, you know, how they kind of, they change shape if you've ever, laid down on, on a blanket and watch clouds. I said, Oh, that one looks like a horse or whatever, but pretty soon they've changed shape. 

[00:19:25] It's kind of like that. It's another example of how everything in life kind of ebbs and flows. Little side note there. 

[00:19:33] Walks, baths, listening to calming music, reading books, all of those kinds of self-care things help too. Just be a super kind to yourself when you're feeling crappy and, you know, treat yourself like you'd treat someone that you love. Make sure you get enough sleep. Drink enough water, eat foods that will nourish you. 

[00:19:52] And no one has to go through that kind of feeling alone. So, reach out to community connect when you're feeling like that. Tell people how you're feeling it's vulnerable, but this is how you make real connection in life. Because if you do that, you're going to find that other people feel the same way that you do. I promise you this is how you find your people. And it's very cool. 

[00:20:13] Finally always know that you are human. Okay? And feeling crappy sometimes it's just necessary and it's very normal. Life is not supposed to be easy. You have to remember that.  You have to remember that with great sadness comes great happiness. You know, you just have to let those feelings be there. 

[00:20:34] Just acknowledge they're there. Get curious about them, and just take it one day at a time, stay in the moment. As I said before, nothing is permanent. Nothing. Not even the good, amazing times. So, take heart in that. So, when you're going through a difficult season in your life, It is only temporary. 

[00:20:55] Just do the work, do the best you can to get to the other side and enjoy the growth process as much as you can. If you can always remember that you are learning things as you are getting to the other side of a tough time. It makes it not easy, but it seems a little easier to put one foot in front of the other when you know that it's for a purpose. 

[00:21:18] So think about that. 

[00:21:20] All right. So, before I go today, I just want to tell you about a new program that I'm offering. It's called unfuck, your stuck: 21 days to turning your I can'ts into I Cans. And actually the title of the program. As you read it in text does not say unfuck. It actually has the at symbol star and exclamation point.

[00:21:45] It just sounds funny to say Un-F your stuck (laughs) on the air. But anyway, this program is awesome. I've designed it for all of you moms out there who feel a little overwhelmed and stuck. Maybe you feel like it's too late for you to really go after what you want in life. You're kind of in that mode of coasting into old age.

[00:22:09] Well, I'm here to tell you that it does not need to be that way. And if you once had big dreams and aspirations and you've kind of brushed them aside to be a wife and a mom, a career woman, all of those things, you don't have to settle for that. Okay? I know that you have a lot of things to be thankful for and your life is probably pretty good.

[00:22:28] I want to tell you it's okay to want something for yourself. You don't have to feel guilty about it. Okay? It's your life too. You deserve to have a life where you go after all of your dreams and goals. So, this program will help you really learn how to dream again. We'll do some fun pre-work exercises in a workbook that really get you to articulate what your dreams and goals are in excruciating detail.

[00:22:55] And, during the program, we'll dig into those, we'll figure out why don't you think you can reach those? What's holding you back? What's held you back in the past? We're going to find some strategies for overcoming those. I'm going to teach you how to believe in yourself again. I'm going to teach you how to get over those mindset blocks

[00:23:13] so you can go after those things, things that will really let you up and help you live a happier, more fulfilled life. I think that sounds pretty amazing and there's really no one this program would not help. So, I would encourage you to check it out. You can go to my website kortneyrivard.com/claritykickstart and all of the details are there.

[00:23:35] And if you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me at kortney@kortneyrivard.com.  Okay, you guys, thank you so much for tuning in today to listen to me, talk about these kind of down seasons in life and how you can make your way through them. 

[00:23:52] Please feel free to get in touch with me via email, kortney@kortneyrivard.com. If you have any questions or comments. And as always, I would super appreciate it if you would leave me a rating (five stars for good karma!) and a review.  Thank you guys. And I will see you next time.