Real, Brave & Unstoppable

How to be Courageous

August 04, 2020 Kortney Rivard Episode 12
Real, Brave & Unstoppable
How to be Courageous
Show Notes Transcript

This week's episode is a quickie!  Sometimes, fear is a helpful thing, but most of the time it it can really hold you back. 

This week, I talk about fear and how you can get out of your "default" patterns when you're afraid so that you can get out of your comfort zone and really go after the things that you want in life.

Fear doesn't have to hold you back!

Have you signed up for Master Your Mindset: Stop Doubting Yourself and Start Living an Amazing Life yet?

It's Thursday, August 6 at 7pm Eastern.  The concepts taught in this workshop will help you overcome your fears too!

Sign up HERE

In the episode, I talk about an acronym - A.W.A.R.E.  Credit to THIS ARTICLE on  Lifehack.org 

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For more information about the podcast, visit www.realbraveunstoppable.com. To learn more about your host, Kortney Rivard, visit www.kortneyrivard.com

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Episode 12: How to be Courageous

Welcome to episode number 12. So this week I'm going to try something a little different... the idea is that I want to give you guys some easy-to-listen to with just some great, actionable, quick-win type information you can take into your day.

[00:00:43] I think I'm going to try doing one quickie episode every month, the idea of being like 15 minutes or less kind of thing. So we're going to try that today. So today's quickie episode is abo ut dealing with your fear and how to move past it.

[00:01:03]As I coach more and more people, I am really learning a lot about how people interact with fear in their lives and really, quite honestly, how much it holds people back without them really even realizing it.  Fear can be such a default thing and we don't even really take the time to get in touch with - is it something that's helping me as it's something that's hurting me? Is it something that I can sort of work with and then just, not let it hold me back anymore? 

[00:01:31] So I wanted to address that today and just talk a little bit about how to move past your fear or move through your fear.  

[00:01:40] A lot of times people use  the word fearless. I want to be fearless or I'll teach you to be fearless or, you know, conquer your fears. And I'm not going to use those today. I don't love those ways of describing being courageous, because fear is always going to be there.  You're never going to totally get over fear. I really do like to use the word courageous instead since, like I said, everyone is afraid.

[00:02:06]You don't really learn how to be fearless. You learn how to deal with a fear and move through it. So essentially you kind of learn how to let fear ride in your back seat. The idea of fear sitting in the back seat came from  Liz Gilbert, who  wrote Eat, Pray, Love. That's how I think most of us know Liz Gilbert, but she also has a book called magic lesson, or it's called Big Magic.

[00:02:31] Her podcast is called Magic Lessons, but the book Big Magic has a little letter to fear, which Liz wrote. And I'm going to read to you right now because  it's really perfect. So without further ado, this is her letter to fear: 

[00:02:44] Dearest fear, creativity, and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you'll be joining us because you always do.

[00:02:52] I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life and that you take your job seriously. Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I'm about to do anything interesting. And may I say you are a superb at your job? So by all means, keep doing your job if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There's plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us. So make yourself at home, but understand this creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way.

[00:03:32] I recognize and respect that you are a part of this family. And so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still your suggestions will never be followed. You're allowed to have a seat and you're allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You're not allowed to touch the roadmaps. You're not allowed to suggest detours. You're not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude. You're not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive. 

[00:04:07] So, yeah, I just really loved that letter. It's so perfect. It sums everything up. Fear is always going to be there. And I think that when you can accept that and let fear just come along for the ride, but know that you don't have to let fear have vote. 

[00:04:25] There are all kinds of different reasons we're afraid.  Some of them are very real and very valid. Like, you know, if you're hiking and you're afraid of falling off a cliff, well, that's valid. 

[00:04:36] In terms of crossing the street, you know, if you're afraid to run out into traffic, that's probably a good thing, but there are some things that are not harmful to your physical body or don't endanger your life. Things that really can hold you back from so many things in your life.

[00:04:51] And some of those things are like the fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of not being good enough.  Fear of being embarrassed or being ridiculed or of getting hurt , physically, or emotionally. And when I talk about getting hurt, physically that fear, I mean more like, okay...I'm afraid to go ride on a horse, which that can be very dangerous, but it doesn't have to be.

[00:05:15] So that kind of thing where it's not like you're really endangering your life, or like if you're afraid to ride on a motorcycle, I'm sure you could you get killed, but you could also get killed walking down the street. So that's what I mean by physically getting hurt ... little clarification there.

[00:05:32]Another one's losing money or not having enough money or losing a job or losing a loved one or, you know, fear of  public speaking, which is kind of like, can be so many different things. Being afraid of being embarrassed, looking stupid, failing, fear of taking up a new hobby... what if I'm not good at it?  All kinds of stuff that goes through our head, like all the time,

[00:05:55]What do we do about that? How do we get over those fears? Well, like I said before, we don't really just get over them. We move through them and the more we move through them, the easier it becomes. 

[00:06:07] So an example of that is if I'm afraid to do a presentation at work,  I'm not going to just think about my fear and say, okay, I'm not going to be afraid and just magically not be afraid. But I need to acknowledge that I am afraid and then I need to just do the thing. And so the next time it won't be so bad because I've already had this experience of being afraid, doing it, being successful, perhaps, every time you do it, it's going to get a little easier. And we all know this logically.

[00:06:40]So fear works on this cycle. It's a, trigger or a cue which causes a behavior or like a pattern or routine. And then when that behavior happens, you get a reward. The cue is whatever makes you afraid , the routine, like I said, is that behavior that you do in response to that. And then the reward is usually, it's just like the relief of the stress.

[00:07:06]So that routine, you know, when you have fear, it's very primal. So it paralyzes your actions. So we go into this default mode, which is what that routine is. So the good news is that, you know, that, that middle part, that routine is usually that's where we get held back. That default routine. So the good news is that we can change that middle part. The cues and the triggers are, you know, there is a little bit, maybe we can do with that -

[00:07:35] not a lot, cause there's always going to be fears. They're always going to be different things that trigger you. And then the rewards are always just that relief of the stress or relief of the anxiety. So,we can change that middle part. And that's what this episode is really about, is to talk a little bit about how we can change the default.

[00:07:57] So I'm going to just go through some things that might be helpful there. So the first thing to do always is acknowledge that you're afraid. It's okay to be afraid. So just hang out with it, get to know it, really important to, nstead of trying to  logic your way through it, to just really access your body, get into your body.

[00:08:17] Like where do you feel the fear. Do you feel it in your chest? Do you feel it, does your throat feel tight? Do you feel shaky, butterflies? Like what is it in your body? Where do you feel that? And just pay attention to it?

[00:08:29]What thoughts are going through your head? Stop and just observe them. If you practice meditation, this will get easier for you. Meditation is a great way to practice observing your thoughts.  It's not so easy to do just right in the moment when you're afraid, if you're not used to doing that.

[00:08:46] But if, if you do get to the point where you're able to notice you're afraid and stop, and then feel it in your body. If you can then let that be a trigger to think, to pay attention to those thoughts what's going on in there.

[00:08:59]And then just explore these fears a little further when you're kind of in analytical mode.  You're not trying to logic your way through it, but you're just listening. You're you're getting curious about them. Is your fear helping you or is it hurting you, like in the example of being afraid to fall off of a cliff while you're hiking... I mean, that fear is really probably helping you. It definitely is helping you  . In terms of being afraid to give a presentation at work,  that fear  is hurting you because you're not able to go and really show your boss what you're capable of.  The next thing you can do is really, while you're in this analytical mode here is dig into what is that fear really about? So if it's a fear of giving a presentation, we'll just keep using that example. You're not just afraid of giving the presentation because that by itself is just neutral. So you have some thoughts and some emotions about this presentation.

[00:09:59] So what is that? Are you afraid of looking stupid? Are you afraid of not knowing an answer if someone asks a question?  Are you afraid of totally flopping? Or like with relationships, are you afraid of getting hurt? You know, somebody breaking up with you, , or like if you're going after a promotion at work, are you really afraid of feeling stupid if you don't get the job?

[00:10:20] Like, you know, dig into that underlying reason and now that you're paying attention, here's the really fun part. And it can be super entertaining if you let it.  What is your inner critic saying to you? You have this inner critic, that inner voice, inner mean girl, whatever you want to say that talks to you and it is oftentimes trying to protect you when fear pops up.

[00:10:43] It's it tries to protect you by saying things like, Oh yeah... you know, you're not really smart enough to get that promotion.  So it keeps you stuck in that routine. You're defaulting to  last time you were in a relationship you got hurt so badly. You might not want to date, you know, you might want to not... don't get too close to anyone or like, it can also be just that mindset of your inner critic saying, well, you suck at public speaking. You're going to look really stupid. Or even just even worse than that... Well, you're just going to fail. 

[00:11:16] So pay attention to what that inner critic is telling you is you do not have to believe the inner critic. Along those lines, it's just mindset monitoring those thoughts and thinking about how you're relating to the situation, mindset wise, you know, are you automatically going to that  "Well, I suck at public speaking. So I'm going to look stupid and, and fail". Or do you say, "well, public speaking is not my strongest thing in the world, but you know, I can, I can hold my own and it's something I can work on and I can, I can do a good job." 

[00:11:53] There's two very different mindsets.  A couple of things I also like to think are, okay, what is in this situation where I'm afraid, what is the best case scenario?

[00:12:04] What's the best thing that could happen? So in the case of the presentation I go in there, I friggin nail the presentation and everyone's like, Oh my gosh. That was amazing. That information was so great.  The worst case is I just, I forget what I'm going to say. I, you know, it isn't good.  But how likely is that? 

[00:12:23] So it's probably, probably somewhere in the middle. So if I don't kill it, I'm probably going to be just fine. Right. And the other question, yeah, I like to ask is just in the grand scheme of life at a pivotal moment in my life, five years down the road, 10 years down the road, will this really matter?

[00:12:41] Like, you know, put it in perspective.

[00:12:44]Just a side note. If you're listening to this, I'm recording it on August 4th, 2020. If you're listening to this, like before Thursday, the sixth, I am doing a mindset webinar, which is super super, super helpful with this kind of thing. , I'll put the link in the show notes. I know it's coming up super quick.

[00:13:03] So if you don't catch this before, then, sorry, you can catch the next one.

[00:13:07]So moving on, you can also visualize yourself as being not afraid and actually doing the thing. And then think about what does that look like? Like journal on it, right? The details. Like, if I'm afraid to give the presentation, but I'm in a picture of myself as if I am not afraid and I'm going and doing it, and I'm just crushing it,  journal about, you know, how are you feeling before?

[00:13:33]How are you standing? What does your body feel like? What are your thoughts? What are you wearing? How do you walk? How do you breathe? How do you like all of these things? Like, just think of the details of who that person that's not afraid of.

[00:13:47]Fears are learned. We're not born with fears...  we learn them. Some of them are good, like I've talked about, and others, not so good, but the good news is that you can unlearn them. And so our brain...  it likes familiarity, but it gets bored or with familiar things. So it kind of puts them into a place where it doesn't have to think so much about them. And it just goes on like kind of autopilot, which is how we got into the fear predicament really in the first place. 

[00:14:15] So, if you can practice these things in your mind, that can help too. 

[00:14:20] So we just talked about visual in yourself as if you are not afraid.

[00:14:24] So the next one is actually acting as if you're not afraid, like practicing in front of a mirror, or talking to yourself in the car... I do that all the time, by the way. I hope, I hope I'm not crazy, but I do talk to myself in the car all the time when I'm by myself. So the next one is practice moving towards the fear.

[00:14:47]Just little baby steps. , it's like you come up, it's like tiptoeing up to the edge of a cliff and if you've ever gone bungee jumping or skydiving, or when I was growing up, my parents had a boat and we'd jump off the top of the boat... it was like a 10 foot. Yeah, so it wasn't huge, but if you're afraid to do it, you kind of tip toe up to the edge and you think about it. It's like every time you tip toe up, you get a little more comfortable with being next to the edge. And then eventually one time, you're just like, Oh hell, I'm just going to go for it.

[00:15:20] Plop.  Or I should say sploosh ...water. We're talking water here. So the more you do that, the closer you can tiptoe to that edge until finally you can step across and it's like a bridge to a new, you're getting out of the comfort zone. You're expanding that comfort zone or you are actually shrinking the comfort zone.

[00:15:40] You're getting out of it. You're going to a new one.

[00:15:42]The other thing that you can do. And this is, well, this is actually just one thing that you've got to do is commit to working on one thing that's really holding you back. Especially if you're someone who tends to have a lot of fears that hold you back, like just commit to working on one and it doesn't mean you need to overcome it tomorrow.

[00:16:01] It's just, it just means that what I just talked about today picking one thing,  like maybe if you're an entrepreneur - and I work with some entrepreneurs who, it's very difficult, and I know this myself from being one is that as you get going in your business, it's really scary to put yourself out there, like to actually, you know, the thought of, of being successful when you're an entrepreneur is like, we all want that, but there's something about actually feeling it.

[00:16:28] It's kind of scary. So we tend to kind of not do some of the activities that we really need to do as entrepreneurs to get clients. And so this is one area where I work with entrepreneurs a lot on is being able to say, okay, well, I'm going to commit to working on this fear of being seen, which it sounds ridiculous, but it is a thing of being seen, you know, and really going out on a limb and putting myself out there as an expert in my industry.

[00:16:55]So that's one thing I help entrepreneurs with is, committing to working on that one fear because it's really holding them back from growing their business. So to leave you today....okay, an acronym, which is always kind of fun. And I found this online, And I forget the website, I'll put it in the show notes so I can properly credit it.

[00:17:15]But I liked it. So the acronym is AWARE... so this is something you can remember to kind of, you know, try to move through your fear. The A is accept the fear, accept that you're afraid. And we talked about that at the beginning. Just feel it in your body, you know, see where it's located and just get curious about it.

[00:17:36]And actually that's the W which is watch the fear and get curious about it. A breathing exercise, that if you start to feel yourself, especially at getting like anxious about your fear if you just breathe in and as you're breathing and quickly count to seven, hold up for a second and then breathe out while you're counting quickly to 11,  or some form of that. The seven and the 11, I don't think are critical,  but breathing will help calm your brain down a little bit. 

[00:18:08] So once you do that, you know, try to ACT  (A)  like you're not afraid.

[00:18:13] So even if you try to, you know, try to put yourself in that place to act like as normally as possible, like not afraid as possible, for as long as you can. And that's a really hard thing to do. So, but any little bit that you can do, it's like, it's just a little signal to your brain. That's like, Hey, I got this.

[00:18:30] So just remember that. 

[00:18:32] And then the  R is repeat the steps as required. So you can go through that, you know, if you feel like you're getting out of control again, tap into your body. You know, except you're afraid feel it what's going on. Watch what it's doing. What's the inner critic saying ? Just get curious about it.

[00:18:51] Breathe.  Try to act like you're not afraid. Repeat as necessary. And then just to remember, to Expect  (E)  the best, you know, acknowledge it's okay to be afraid. Everyone gets afraid sometimes. And you're going to be afraid of things. Everyone is, so embracing this fear means that you're actually taking control over the situation.

[00:19:17] And I think when you can actually acknowledge, you're afraid and actually tap into it, get to know it a little bit, it really takes a lot of the power away from the fear. So just remember that. Anyway, I hope that's been helpful for you today. 

[00:19:32] Thanks for tuning in, and I will see you next time.